Could this be
by siophiefandom
Summary: Emily Fields wrestles with her feelings for Paige McCullers. Paily angst. One-shot, with intersections into the PLL universe. Rated T for some mature subject matter
1. Could This Be Cheating?

"Can I buy you lunch?"

Emily bit her lip with a smile as she thought back to the last DM that she received from Paige the night before.

It _wasn't_ a date. Emily would have been fooling herself if she pretended that it was. She was doing a favor for her old friend – taking her around to her firm's main office in Philadelphia and introducing her to some of the senior partners. It was a pretty big favor; Emily would have to commute into the city instead of working out of the Rosewood office, as she normally did, but it wasn't anything that she wouldn't have done for any other of her friends. And by offering to buy her lunch afterwards, Paige was just returning the favor. Common courtesy. It was as simple as that.

Not a date. Just a thank-you lunch. Still, Emily had been stunned and delighted when she read the DM. And, almost a day later, her heart was still aflutter with nervous anticipation.

She knew exactly where she wanted to take Paige for lunch. There was a popular, hip restaurant in walking distance from the office. She used to love going there, when she was younger and still excited about living working in the city – before adulthood happened and she transferred to the suburban office in Rosewood. As she got ready for work that morning, she pictured herself walking to the restaurant with Paige and reminiscing about the old times. In her mind's eye, they were holding hands; not looking at each other, but unable to stop smiling over the fact that they were holding hands.

She flushed that image from her mind immediately. It wasn't a date. She would never do that to Abby. She would never even consider it. And, of course, she had told Abby that Paige was flying into Philly and that she was going to introduce her to the partners. Abby knew all about Paige; how she and Emily had grown up together in Rosewood, how, after a rocky start, they ended up dating, how that came to an abrupt end when Paige's parents shipped her off to Stanford, and how each of them moved on from their relationship but still retained their friendship. She wasn't doing anything behind Abby's back; in fact, she had even asked Abby to join them for lunch, even though she was sure that Abby wouldn't be able to get the day off of work.

But the point was that she and Paige weren't sneaking around. They were meeting in a very public place, not some shady, secret rendezvous. Then again, they were meeting in Philadelphia, where no one knew them, and anyone who happened to catch them holding hands as they leaned across the table for a kiss would just assume that they were together; two women in love with no reason to hide their feelings for each other.

Emily and Paige had always been good at hiding their feelings. Feelings were the reason that Paige bullied Emily in their early days as teammates. They were also the reason that Emily never admitted to Paige that she had only chosen Pepperdine so that they could, at least, be in the same state. (Admitting it seemed foolish after Paige greeted the news with, "Why the hell would you go to Pepperdine?" Shortly after that, Emily quietly transferred to Danby and tried to move on with her life.)

Emily tiptoed past the bed where Abby still lay sleeping and ambled over to the closet, opening its sliding door open quietly as she could. She pulled out her best suit and looked it over in the dim light before laying it on the bed. There was nothing suspicious about wearing her best suit. She wasn't dressing up for Paige. It was just that the Philadelphia office wasn't as casual as the office in Rosewood. She would have looked out of place in the loose-fitting black pants and oversized top that made up her typical work outfits. Still, it didn't hurt that the suit was tailored to accentuate her curves, while hiding the effects of too many nights spent drinking away her feelings – or crying to herself in front of a cheesy romance movie and a tub of butter pecan ice cream.

In her imagination, Paige looked exactly the same as she did back in high school. She knew better than that, of course. She had Paige's Instagram posts to prove it. But in her mind, time had stood still for both of them. Time at least owed them that much.

Emily didn't ordinarily wash her hair on Monday nights, the way she did after she got Paige's DM. If she were honest with herself, she'd admit that she was trying to recreate a mood. Back in their days in Rosewood, Emily always washed out her hair on Fridays, at the end of a week of practice. Since Fridays were usually their date nights, there was the extra benefit of having fresh-smelling hair for Paige. Paige used to love to take deep breaths of the scent from Emily's hair when they cuddled on the porch at the end of the evening.

But this time, it wasn't about romance or seduction. It was purely nostalgia.

Emily let out a sigh as she wrestled her way into a bra that was becoming too tight on her. It seemed that everything in her life was too small; too constricting. Deep down, she had always clung to the belief that Paige would save her; that Paige would always have her back, the that way she always did in competition. If Emily was having an off day or was a little slow off of the blocks, she could count on Paige, skimming through the water like a woman possessed. Or when Emily got disillusioned or bored with her latest romance, she would find herself stooping down to pick up a book that had fallen from her locker when, all of a sudden, a pair of feet would appear before her as if by magic, and she would look up to see Paige's face, backlit and glowing, with a smile that looked angelic.

Emily scoffed to herself. It had been ten years – _ten years _– and she still hadn't let go of that dream. She sat on the bed to pull on her shoes, and Abby stirred, then rustled, trying to get comfortable again. Emily rubbed her leg, to help her settle down. What she had with Abby was comfortable, like an old pair of shoes. There was no longer that thrill that you get when the shoes are new, and they had grown scuffed and worn with use, but they adapted to her feet. Or maybe it was the other way around.

Is it cheating to window shop for shoes when there are still a lot of years left in the pair that you're wearing? The pair that you used to get so excited to put on?

Emily kissed Abby good-bye and they exchanged the obligatory I-love-yous that couples who have been together for a certain length of time can say without thinking. She grabbed her purse and keys and headed out to face her future.

There was no going back.

* * *

**A/N - Thanks for reading! :'( 3**


	2. Could This Be a Big Mistake?

"Is everything okay?"

Paige knew Emily better than she knew anyone else in the world; better than Emily was willing to admit. She knew what it meant when Emily behaved the way she'd been behaving all morning – a little too perky; a little too chatty. A little too normal. She was overcompensating. There was concern in Paige's voice when she asked the question, even though she was pretty sure the answer. She had avoided the discussion for as long as she could.

"Okay?" Emily scrunched up her and tilted her head, pretending to be confused. "Yeah," she exclaimed, all too eagerly. "Everything's great!" She rubbed Paige's wrist. "It's great to have this chance to catch up!"

Paige curled her lips into some approximation of a smile. It actually looked more like a look of disgust. Emily's shoulders slumped and she looked down at her plate. "Okay, well, if you want the truth." She looked up at Paige and shrugged. "I miss you," she said softly.

Paige folded her arms and fell back against her chair, not even trying to hide the annoyance in her sigh. Emily scowled in anger and frustration. If Paige didn't want to know what she was feeling - if Paige wanted to keep _pretending_ that she didn't know what she was feeling, she shouldn't have asked her whether everything was okay.

"Look, Emily…"

Emily threw her napkin on the table in disgust. She felt like throwing it at Paige.

"_Look Emily?"  
__Really?  
Had Paige actually said that?_

"Just forget it, Paige. Just forget I even said anything." Paige opened her mouth to apologize or something, but Emily cut her off. She had humiliated herself enough. She didn't need Paige to pile on. "You asked me what was up, and I told you, okay?" Emily shook ger head, rolling her eyes. "I get it. We're not getting back together. That's not why you came to Philadelphia." Emily folded her arms, mirroring Paige's posture. "I get it. So you don't have to say it."

Paige shook her head in frustration. She was actually glad that Emily had cut her off before she'd been forced to come up with something to say. What could she have said? That she missed Emily, too? What would have been the point? It may have been true, but it would only have given Emily the wrong impression.

Paige had wanted to move back to Rosewood for years, never really having adjusted to the West Coast lifestyle. There were so many times that she would have moved back except for one thing: Emily.

And this exact conversation.

Paige's feelings for Emily had never changed. Not in the slightest. The only thing that had changed was Paige's feelings for herself. She was devastated when Emily left her; every single time that Emily left her. It had always been so easy for Emily to walk away from her; to walk away from _them._ But, every time she left, it felt as if she was sticking a knife back into the open wound in Paige's heart that had never had the chance to heal.

When the opportunity came for Paige to finish high school early and head to Stanford, she jumped at it. If there was one thing that she'd learned from her breakups, it was that she had to leave first. She wouldn't have been able to stand seeing Emily walk away from her one more time.

For months, Emily blamed Paige's parents for dragging her off to California without even letting her finish her senior year at Rosewood High. And yet, she couldn't help wondering just how much of the timing was their idea, and how much was Paige's. That night at the airport, when Paige said that she didn't want to fight anymore, that she was tired of fighting, Emily tried to convince herself that Paige was talking about fighting with her parents.

It was too hard to admit that Paige was actually admitting that she had given up on fighting for her.

That fact didn't hit really home with Emily until the phone call, when her surprise news about going to Pepperdine landed like a lead balloon. It had never happened before. Paige had always jumped into her arms whenever Emily wanted her back.

That phone call changed Emily's life in more ways than one.

It had always been easy for Emily to walk away from relationships in high school, but she had never really experienced having someone walk away from her. It hurt. It hurt especially hard, coming from Paige, whose love had been one of the few constants in her life; the one thing that she could always fall back on.

That experience changed Emily's perspective on relationships. She wasn't so quick to enter into them anymore. Neither was she as quick to walk away.

That may have explained why she was still with Abby.

* * *

The walk back to their cars was silent and beyond uncomfortable. Emily kept looking up at Paige, as if expecting her to say or do something to let her know that everything would be okay. Paige just kept staring straight ahead, as if she were walking alone.

They hugged when they got to Emily's car, as they had hugged when they first met that morning. When they separated, Emily put her hand on Paige's arm. "I'm sorry," she said softly, with as genuine a smile as she could muster.

Paige opened her mouth to say something, but, in the end, she just smiled slightly and nodded in acknowledgment. There was nothing to say. Saying, "I'm sorry, too," would only have risked getting Emily's hopes up.

"I hope you _do_ make it back out to Philly," Emily said, nodding her head. She chuckled nervously. "I promise I won't make things weird." She squeezed Paige's bicep before moving her hand away from Paige's arm. The gesture felt familiar; comfortable to Paige. A little too comfortable. She smoothed her fingers through her hair. Part of her wished that she had been brave enough - or foolish enough - to have smoothed her fingers through Emily's hair instead, the way she used to whenever Emily squeezed her arm like that back in high school.

Emily reached for the door of her car and jumped back with a startled "Oh!" as Paige reached for it at the same time. She made what looked like a clumsy bow as she thanked Paige for opening the door for her; then scooted around Paige and climbed into the driver's seat. When Paige closed the door, Emily rolled down the window. It was almost force of habit or muscle-memory, after all the times she'd done the same thing in high school whenever Paige helped her into her car after practice or after a date.

When Paige leaned forward and put her hands on the open window frame, it was also because of muscle-memory, before her conscious mind registered what she was doing. Had she had time to think, she would have remembered the good-bye kiss that used to come next.

She needn't have worried. Emily only looked up at her, with a smile that seemed sincere. "Thanks for lunch."

* * *

Paige crumbled into her seat, with no memory of the walk from Emily's car to hers. She felt numb. Her body did, at least. Her mind felt like crying.

Her entire history with Emily had been marked by a handful of good decisions buried under an overwhelming number of really bad ones.

She took her hands off the steering wheel and stared at the back of her fingers, which were spread apart slightly and trembling.

She was about to make another really bad decision.

* * *

**A/N - Surprise!**

**I really didn't see this story as more than a one-shot, but I totally get that people want some closure on it. (I've been in the same boat with a couple of one-shots I've read over the years!) So... here we go. I have to admit, though, I'm really not sure that this is a good idea. I don't think that I'll be able to sustain the mood of the first chapter, and I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update - both because I don't have a lot of free time these days and because, for the first time in years, I'll trying to write a story without a clear idea of where it's going. But - I made a promise to myself when I first started posting fics that I'd never start a story and leave it unfinished, so, sooner or later, this story will end up complete! :)**

**(Maybe you'll help by sending me suggestions about where the story should go? I may not use every suggestion, but I'll sure they'll all inspire me.)**

**Thanks for reading this far! And thanks to those of you who wanted more from this fic. To those who decide to stick around till the end, thanks in advance for your patience! :) 3**


	3. Could this Be How It Ends?

**A/N - Warning: Sloppy Editing Ahead. :(**

**Bear with me, please... Thanks for reading! 3**

* * *

The flight back to California was a blur. Paige didn't usually drink on airplanes, because she liked to feel that she was in control, in case something happened. On this flight, though, she was drinking to escape the woman who was haunting her thoughts.

Aeryn.

In Paige's first year at Stanford, she found herself attracted to women who looked like Emily, at least in an abstract way: Bronzed skin, dark hair, almond eyes, swimmer's body. She didn't even realize that that's what was going on until she actually started dating one of those Emily lookalikes, only to discover that the woman didn't measure up to Emily's standards. It was as if the woman were wearing an Emily costume that didn't really fit right. Ever the loyal girlfriend, Paige was unwilling to break it off, though. She had been able to leave the real Emily, but that was only for reasons of self-preservation. She would never leave this substitute Emily - or anyone, for that matter - if it meant hurting her. In the end, she didn't have to leave. Amber was putting away some of Paige's laundry when she found the picture – the old faded snapshot that Aria had taken of Paige and Emily, arm in arm, still in their Speedos from practice. To anyone else, it might have looked like nothing more than a picture of two teammates, but Amber was able to put the pieces together – a picture of someone who looked remarkably like her – someone whom Paige had never told her about – hidden away in her underwear drawer. More telling than where Paige had kept the picture was the fact that she had kept the picture. It suddenly made sense why Paige had always seemed slightly emotionally distant, as if there were some kind of invisible shield around her heart. Amber had thought that it was just Paige's nature; dark, mysterious, aloof. It had been what attracted her to Paige in the first place. When she found the picture, she suddenly realized that Paige was still holding her heart for the girl in the photo and had only pursued her in the as a placeholder or substitute.

When Amber confronted her with the picture, Paige didn't deny her feelings. She just dipped her head and said that she was sorry, over and over. Amber ripped up the picture and threw the two halves at Paige before she stormed out of the door.

It didn't hurt nearly as much to watch Amber leave as it had hurt every single time Paige had had to watch Emily leave. If only it had been as easy to tape Paige's broken heart back together as it had been for her to tape the picture back together.

After Amber left, Paige found it easy to stay single, to her surprise. She had swimming and her studies to keep her busy. Once she blew out her knee in the weight room, sending her athletic career to a screeching halt, she filled in the time by doubling down on academics, . It was only after college and a few years of climbing the corporate ladder that she started paying attention to her heart again.

With Aeryn, Paige went in the opposite direction from Amber. Aeryn was short, blonde, and almost waifishly thin. She was easygoing; satisfied. Paige never felt that she was under constant scrutiny as she had with Emily; – that Aeryn was always on the lookout for some slip-up on Paige's part or some silly little excuse to break up with her. Neither was Aeryn on the lookout for a better alternative; someone to leave Paige for.

When Aeryn found out about Emily, she wasn't threatened or suspicious. On the contrary, she understood and even sympathized with Paige.

In many ways, what they had seemed perfect. Mainly, though, it felt boring. Paige knew that she it was time for a change.

Paige asked the flight attendant for another round and sighed as she rested her head against the headrest. She had run away to Stanford to put some distance between herself and Emily. Now, she was running back, to get a bit of distance from Aeryn. But she hadn't counted on Emily's reaction. In her wildest dreams, she hadn't expected that Emily would think that they could get back together. She should have known; Emily's thoughts always headed her way when she was bored or dissatisfied. Why should she have thought that would change, when nothing else changed in her life?

Once again, she had put herself in an impossible position: Stay out west and have to figure out how to deal with Aeryn, or move back to the east coast and figure out how to deal with Emily. Either way, it would be a bad decision. She really wished she had taken that job in Iowa when she had the chance.

* * *

Aeryn was smiling from ear to ear when she caught sight of Paige in the arrivals section. Smiling and waving her arms frantically, as if Paige somehow wouldn't see her or recognize her otherwise. It was just her quirky sense of humor.

"So, how'd it go?" Aeryn asked, once she finished pulled out of the terminal traffic and onto the interstate.

"Well," Paige said with a nod.

"Yeah? Well as in…"

Paige inhaled deeply, but as silently as she could. "No hassles."

Aeryn smiled good-naturedly and gave Paige's shoulder a quick rub. She knew that she wouldn't get anything further out of Paige in the car. Paige only liked to talk about serious subjects only when she knew that she'd have someone's full attention, and Aeryn's attention needed to be on the road. Aeryn turned on the radio to fill in the space for the trip home.

* * *

Aeryn was sitting on the couch, with one leg up on it, when Paige came into the living room. Paige sat next to her and extended an arm, and Aeryn nestled in.

"So, how do you feel?"

"Okay, I guess." Paige furrowed her brow. "A little confused."

"Confused about…" Paige didn't pick up on the thread, so Aeryn continued. "… your prospects in PA?"

"I guess you could say that." She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess I'm just not sure that it would be the right move, right now."

Aeryn stifled a chuckle. Swiveling slightly, to angle herself so that she was facing Paige, she asked, "This is about her, isn't it? Emily."

Paige furrowed her brow. "No," she began before pausing to give it some more thought. "Well, yeah, but… well, not in the way you're thinking."

"In what way, then?" Aeryn asked pointedly.

Paige pulled her knee up to her chest and hugged it there with her arm. "I just assumed that, after everything we'd been through, and after… God, what? 8 years? – I just assumed that Emily would have moved on a long time ago."

"But she hasn't?"

Paige shrugged her shoulders, as if she couldn't believe it either. "Apparently not."

Aeryn sat up and retreated to the armrest, putting some distance between herself and Paige as the reality of the situation hit her. "So," she said, her voice breaking slightly, "this was never about moving closer to Emily." She took a deep breath and tried to get control of her emotions. "This was about moving away from me."

Aeryn wouldn't have been able to move out to Pennsylvania with Paige for at least a couple of years, as she completed her residency. She had spent most of Paige's trip wracking her brain trying to figure out how to make the best of a long-distance relationship.

"Look, Aeryn, I…"

Aeryn shook her head to stop Paige from talking. She took her hand and caressed it. "I know, Paige. You're loyal. And that's" – she turned away from Paige's gaze with a sigh – "That's a noble attribute but… I don't want to be with someone who's only with me out of a sense of duty. I want to be with someone who with me because she wants to be with me."

Paige extended her arm and Aeryn took her up on it, pulling in close once again. Paige kissed the top of her head. "Aeryn, I want you to know that I never lied to you. I never said, 'I love you' without really meaning it."

Aeryn nodded her head against Paige's chest. "I know," she said sadly. Rolling her hands in front of herself, she explained, "You _love_ me, but you're not _in_ _love_ with me."

Paige dipped her head. "It sounds so cliché, when you say it out loud."

"I know. But I know how you feel." Aeryn closed her eyes for a second or two, to get control of the tears. "When I was in high school, I used to sit with my neighbor's dog while she did her shopping on the weekends. The dog was old, and he didn't like to be left alone. I would just sit there and rub his belly" - Aeryn rubbed Paige's stomach - "for hours, sometimes. And, if my neighbor got home while I was rubbing still his belly, he would just lie there and let me, without a whimper or complaint. But as soon as I moved my hand away, he would jump up and run to her." Aeryn inhaled deeply. "He wanted to be with her, but he wasn't going to leave me until I was ready." Aeryn looked at Paige, to see whether or not the story was registering. Paige's eyes told her that it was.

"So, you're saying, I'm that dog?"

"No…" Aeryn laughed softly. "Well, yeah. I guess so, kind of. But what I'm trying to say is..." Aeryn bit her lip and nodded. "I'm ready. You don't have to stick around for my sake."

Paige didn't know what to say, so she just squeezed Aeryn a little tighter and rested her chin on top of Aeryn's head. She could feel Aeryn take a couple of irregular breaths, as though she were sobbing to herself, or trying not to. "Do… do you want to be alone?" she asked tentatively.

Aeryn shook her head. "I'm going to have plenty of time to be alone," she deadpanned. She looked up at Paige. "Sorry – I didn't want to make you feel guilty."

"_I'm_ sorry," Paige said softly.

Aeryn sat up suddenly, thinking about why Paige had asked the question. "Do _you_ want to be alone?"

Paige pulled her back in. "I'm okay."

"Honest?" Aeryn whispered.

"Honest. I've never lied to you."

They spent the night in each other's arms, first on the couch and, later, in their bed. It felt almost like every other night. But each of them knew that their world had changed, forever.


	4. Could This Be My Life, From Now On?

Emily was not okay on the drive back from Philadelphia. She was alternating between sniffling and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand every five seconds or so, letting her hand fall helplessly from her cheek back onto the steering wheel. She knew that she needed to pull over, but, at the same time, she needed to keep going – to drive as far away from everything as she could possibly get.

She felt like such an idiot. All the memories of that phone call to Paige at Stanford came rushing back. Back then, she never would have dreamed that Paige wouldn't have jumped at the chance to get back together, because Paige had always jumped at the chance to get back together. And, this time, she couldn't have been blamed for her hoping that Paige was coming back for her, because Paige had always come back for her. _Always. _

It was a different nightmare but with the same result. Another pillar of Emily's world had come crashing down.

It had always been easy for Emily to let go of relationships back in high school, mostly because she was usually the one who decided that it was over. Even when Paige left her at the airport, she bounced back quickly and painlessly enough. Maybe it was her faith that, eventually, she and Paige would end up back together that made it easier to deal with.

Paige walking away was one thing. Paige not wanting to take her back was something Emily had never experienced. It devastated her.

Emily was gesturing with her left hand as she drove, as though she were having this conversation with someone else and not just in her head. She ran her fingers through her hair and slammed her hand on the steering wheel again.

After a while, she pulled off of the highway and parked in a deserted area at the far end of the parking lot at a grocery store. She knew that she couldn't go home looking the way she did. She needed to get herself together.

Things were so much easier in high school. Breaking up was so much easier. The worst you had to worry about was the unhelpful pity of your parents, some awkward moments when you passed your ex in the hallway, and maybe some whispering from nosy classmates. Adult breakups sucked. It wasn't as simple as just moving on. There were things to sort out. Bank accounts. Apartment leases. Furniture. Emily had resisted moving in with Abby for as long as she could, precisely because she didn't want to get herself entangled in all of those things. Not with Abby, at least. At least, that's how she felt when Abby first asked. After a while, she came to terms with the fact that Paige wasn't coming back. Being with Abby was better than being alone.

Emily took a deep breath and checked her reflection in the rear view mirror. She just had to suck it up. She'd gotten good at that, over the years.

* * *

Paige and Aeryn had managed to settle into a good, solid friendship. It was a good thing, too, since there were still some commitments that they had signed up to before the breakup. They were both on the board of a non-profit that helped promote tolerance and acceptance among high school and college students. Four times a year, they planned major events, and it meant long days and crazy hours.

Paige had been preparing to resign from the board when she was planning to move back to Pennsylvania, but, when she eventually decided to stay in California, she decided to serve out the rest of her term.

California, she concluded, was the lesser of two evils. She and Aeryn were friends, which was something that she had never really been able to say about herself and Emily. And, the last time she was in Pennsylvania, Emily had made it pretty clear that, if she did move back, Emily wouldn't have been satisfied just being friends.

Besides, the plan to move back to Pennsylvania had been all about running away from the situation with Aeryn, and Paige decided that she was too old to keep running away when things got hard.

* * *

The 10K Race for Awareness was one of the things that Paige and Aeryn had grown to love working on together, in the years when they were together. It was an ordeal, but it the kind of ordeal that was almost pleasurable, when you were sharing it with someone you loved. They discovered that it was almost as much fun doing it as just friends.

One night, Paige and Aeryn ended up printing flyers at a FedEx copy center long after dark. Everything was going wrong. The printer kept jamming. Later, it ran out of toner. When they finally managed to get it running long enough to print about half of the flyers, Paige noticed that they'd printed the wrong date, and they'd have to start all over. Aeryn handled it like a trooper, laughing it off as she opened the file on her laptop and made the correction. But when Paige returned from picking up a couple of coffees for them, she saw Aeryn leaning with both hands on the copier, seemingly on the verge of tears. Her first inclination was to walk over and gather Aeryn into her arms, to let her know that everything would be okay. It felt like such a natural thing to do, but Paige knew that, if she started down that road, it would lead to them getting back together. She let the door close behind her and Aeryn, looking up and seeing her, started comically pounding at the machine and pretending to kick it, putting on her best face. She had never like letting Paige see her sad.

When the race – and all celebratory dinner and all the speeches speeches – finally ended, Aeryn dropped Paige off at her apartment. They sat in Aeryn's car and chatted for the longest time. Aeryn eventually turned off her engine, to save on emissions. The conversation had started as a recap of the race, celebrating the way that everything had fallen into place. Gradually, though, they found themselves talking about other things; anything, really, that came to mind. Aeryn let out a laugh, from time to time, saying, "I can't believe we're just sitting here in the car talking about…" whatever it was that they were talking about at that moment. Cherry blintzes. Weird dog names. Cities in Japan. That statement was always followed by a silence, whereupon they would both laugh, and one of them would start talking again, on some new topic.

During one of the pauses, Aeryn put her hand on Paige's cheek. She didn't know why she did it. Paige didn't know why, either, but she didn't try to stop her. They just sat and stared into each other's eyes. It felt like an eternity, but it was actually only a second or two. Paige started to feel very warm. She didn't realize that her legs were quivering, but Aeryn noticed. Once she noticed, she jerked her hand away.

"I'm sorry," she said meekly. "That was inappropriate."

"No, no… It was…" Paige didn't know what to say. She couldn't deny that it was inappropriate, so just repeated, "no."

Aeryn tried to catch Paige's eye, looking for some signal that they were okay; that what she'd done was okay – but Paige refused to look up at her. Defeated, Aeryn croaked, "I'd better let you go."

Paige nodded.

As Paige opened the door, Aeryn put a hand on her arm. "Hey, Paige… I…" She huffed helplessly, letting go of Paige's arm. "I hope this doesn't mean…"

Paige smiled, for the first time since Aeryn's hand had landed on her cheek. "No, of course not," she said, giving Aeryn's hand a squeeze.

Aeryn watched her walk up the pathway to her door, where she turned and gave a smile and a wave goodnight. Aeryn waved back and, with a heavy sigh, started the car.

* * *

Paige lay awake in bed for hours that night, even though she was exhausted. She didn't blame Aeryn. They were both tired and lonely, and their defenses were down.

It wasn't the touch that was keeping her awake. It was the one thought that she couldn't get past:

_If that had been Emily's hand on my cheek_, _there's no way I'd be sleeping alone tonight._


	5. Could This Be Time to Think of Myself?

**A/N – Hi, all! This timeline's a little skewed, but that's what happens when I just dive into a story without an overall plan… :/ Emily's timeline has a bit of catching up to do with Paige's. Sorry for the confusion!**

**Also, these "Could this be" titles are getting more and more contrived! But I'm committed to them! :)**

**Thanks for sticking with the story so far!** **3**

* * *

Emily pushed the eggs around her plate with her fork. She had her head to the side, resting her cheek against her palm. A few sighs escaped from her lips sporadically. She was startled to attention when Abby rubbed her wrist with her knuckles.

"You okay, Hon?"

Emily looked up at her with a faint smile and a nod that was just as faint. She was clearly not okay, but that response was good enough for Abby, who tepidly gave her arm a rub before pulling her hand away. Emily stifled another sigh - this time, exhaling it heavily through her nostrils. _Paige would have asked what was wrong,_ she thought. Even though Paige might not have wanted to discuss the problem, Emily knew that she wouldn't let it go when she knew that Emily was uncomfortable.

And, just as surely as she knew that Paige would have asked, she knew that Abby wouldn't. Abby was predictable. They were in a routine. Some might even have called it a rut.

Emily knew that, in a few minutes, the clock in the living room would start chiming at a quarter till the hour, and Abby would gasp as if she'd had no idea that it was coming, leap to her feet, lean over the table to kiss her on the forehead, and exclaim, "I've got to jet!" Every morning, it was the same. And, every morning, Abby reacted as if it were happening for the first time.

A few ticks later, everything happened just as Emily had known that it would; just as she'd predicted. Chime. Leap. Kiss. Jet. Emily's shoulders slumped. And then, something different happened.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Emily turned towards Abby, who, breaking pattern, had paused in the kitchen doorway to ask that question. Brushing her hair aside, and with as genuine a smile as she could muster, she nodded. "I may just stay home today."

Abby gave her a wink. "You probably should," she asserted. "You look really tired."

Emily nodded again. Abby came over and hugged her where she sat. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

* * *

Emily picked up her plate, scraped its contents into the garbage can, and set it on the counter. She cleared Abby's plate and put their dishes in the dishwasher.

Ordinarily, after Abby left, Emily took a shower and got dressed for work. This morning, after the shower, she pulled her robe on and lay down on the bed.

She couldn't go to work. It had been three days, with the weekend and the holiday, since she showed Paige around the Philadelphia office. And, even though hardly anyone in the Rosewood office knew that she and Paige had once been more than just teammates in high school (and those few who did know logically assumed that they were over, since Emily was with Abby), Emily still felt like a failure for not being enough of a reason for Paige to come back. She thought that everyone would look at her with cruel pity, knowing how much of a loser she was.

She couldn't sleep, either. Her thoughts wouldn't let her. She seemed to be so devoid of control over her life. She used to be a fighter. Back in high school, she fought hard to be the captain of the swim team. At Pepperdine, she fought hard to get a spot on the team as a walk-on, before she quit and went to Danby. Was that when she stopped fighting? Was that when Paige started controlling her life? It seemed like a tidy point of delineation between her old life and her knew. After Paige rejected her, her life became like a boat adrift on the ocean, at the mercy of the waves. _She had lost her anchor._

Emily was restless. Her body was tense. She got up and walked over to the dresser and picked out something to help her relieve the tension. She knew that she shouldn't let herself think about Paige as her thighs clenched around the toy. She didn't feel right about it. But she didn't feel _anything_ when she thought about Abby.

* * *

It took some time for the awkwardness between Paige and Aeryn to fade after the incident in the car, but, eventually, she and Paige were able to hang out as friends, with no fears or expectations about where things might lead. Paige enjoyed having a friend; it kind of reminded her of being back in Rosewood and hanging out with Caleb. It wasn't the same, but it was certainly more successful than any of her attempts to be "just friends" with Emily.

"Just friends" with Aeryn became even easier once Aeryn started dating again. Paige had known Terry forever. They'd started out in the same firm after college and, somehow, managed to keep in touch through their various career changes over the years. She didn't fix the two of them up, but it helped that Aeryn was dating one of her friends. Their friendship helped Terry, too. Under other circumstances, he might have been insecure or jealous if his girlfriend spent as much time with her ex as Aeryn did with Paige, but he knew Paige well enough to know that he had nothing to worry about.

In another sense, things became more difficult for Paige after Aeryn and Terry got together. Before, if Paige had an event to go to, she could always count on Aeryn to go with her. That was still true, but, once Aeryn started dating, Paige felt guilty taking her along, knowing that she'd rather be with Terry. She didn't want to be someone's pity plus-one. Nor did she want to be a third wheel; the single woman who was always there crashing their good time. Gradually, and a bit reluctantly, she started seeing less and less of her two friends.

And, even more gradually, something unexpected happened. Paige began to appreciate the joys of being single. She didn't have to be accountable for anyone's happiness but her own. She didn't have to worry whether someone else having a good time; didn't have to be anyone's nurse on a bad day; didn't have to make sure that anyone was fed or entertained or sexually fulfilled. She was satisfied, for the first time in a long time, having discovered that she was enough for herself. One Sunday morning, when she strolled into her building at 3:00 AM, all dressed up and a little tipsy from a late Saturday night, her doorman remarked, "That must have been one hell of a date!" She turned around and waved her finger at him, explaining with a smile that she didn't need to have a date to have a good time. She mentally pumped her fist as she walked away, excited by the realization that she wasn't lying. She loved the single life.


	6. Could This Be Trouble in Paradise?

**A/N - Well, I can see by the steep drop-off in reviews that interest in this story is plummeting... I guess you don't like the direction I'm taking? Oh well! Thanks for reading this far! :) 3**

* * *

Paige lay on her back on an inflatable raft, looking up at the sky. It was too perfect. The sky and the water were a matching azure blue, the private beach was all but deserted, and, every once in a while, a seagull would fly overhead and chirp contentedly. It struck Paige that, if there had been a camera to take an overhead shot of her floating there, it would have made the perfect advertisement for resort life.

The single life was, of course, an adjustment for Paige. Just like any other change. It wasn't that it was difficult; just different. There were things that she hadn't had to deal with for so long that she'd pretty much forgotten about them. There were the well-meaning co-workers and neighbors who took it upon themselves to try to find her a girlfriend. Even Aerynn and Terry took it upon themselves to find someone for her, but Paige assumed that this was more for their benefit – that they would get to do couple things with Paige, if she had someone. Whatever their motives, Paige shut down all of her would-be matchmakers pretty quickly.

Another adjustment was dining alone – or, even worse, going for a drink alone. Paige had assumed that visits to a bar wouldn't be as bad as they'd been in college; that the sleazy boys would be interested younger prey rather than a woman well into her thirties who had nothing about her to suggest that she was interested in hooking up with anyone – especially not a male. To her dismay, she discovered that there were still a good number of men out there who were all too eager to take their shot. She was as patient and polite as she could be in shooing them away, and, after a while, the regulars in the places she went understood that she was just there for nothing more than a drink and a bit of friendly conversation.

But these were only minor bumps on Paige's road to self-fulfillment in single life. In some ways, this was the best relationship she'd ever had. She could be honest with herself, in ways that she never really could with her girlfriends. There were no games or pretenses. If she had plans to go out and she wasn't in the mood, she would just cancel, with no guilt or hurt feelings. And, if she wanted to do something on the spur of the moment, she could get up and go, with no one else's schedule to coordinate and no hesitant or unwilling partner to drag along with her. She always had the thought in the back of her head that it was too good to last, and she would grow tired of it eventually, but the opposite seemed to be true. The longer she remained single, the more she settled into the experience.

Paige paddled lazily around on the raft until the sun got to be a bit too warm on her skin. When that happened, she rolled off of the raft into the cooler water and lazily swam a few yards deeper into the sea. She couldn't remember the last time she'd gone swimming just for the fun of it. She paused mid-stroke at that thought, brushing her hair away from her face as she stood up and started to tread water.

She didn't think about Emily very often anymore. From time to time, thoughts or phrases like that last one jogged her memory, and her thoughts shifted abruptly back to Emily. It hit her harder this time, though, as she remembered when Emily had asked her that question; back when they were young and their feelings for each other were new and pure. And the way that she had been swimming lazily reminded her of that late-night swim in her father's pool, the night when she gave herself to Emily fully for the first time.

Paige dipped her head. She dipped herself fully underwater and turned around, swimming back towards the raft. She'd had enough paradise for one day.

"I can't just dump her." The irritation in Emily's voice was obvious.

"Okay, well, why not?" Spencer lifted her hands off of the table and let them drop back down onto it. "You say that, but what's keeping you from dumping her?" Spencer was looking at Emily with the steely eyes of a prosecutor.

"Because she's a good woman, Spencer!" Emily matched Spencer's stare. "Because she hasn't done anything wrong!" Emily shook her head angrily. "You don't just dump someone!"

Hanna reached across the table for Emily's hands, to calm her down. "We only want what's best for you, Em. We're all your friends. Nobody's trying to pick a fight with you."

"Yeah? Because it sure feels like it!" Emily thought back to Rosewood, when the same three women, her so-called friends, held an intervention to convince her that Paige was A. It was the same vibe, the three of them ganging up on her, as if they knew better than she did what was best for her.

Aria put her hand on Emily's shoulder as she set a mug of coffee down in front of her and took a seat next to her on the couch. "We've all been through a lot, Em. Good relationships and bad relationships. And we've always stuck together in the end, even though there were some rough spots. And there were times when we fucked up and got it wrong, but we always made it right in the end. So, if we're wrong, we'll back off. But, Emily…" Aria took Emily's hand and gave it a slight squeeze. "It just doesn't seem as if you're happy."

Emily sighed and tried to calm herself down. She knew that being defensive would only convince them that they were right. "Look," she said patiently, "I know that Abby and I aren't _perfect, _but we _work._ She's a _good_ _woman_, and she loves me."

"You keep saying that," Spencer said, in measured tones. "But what I'm not hearing is that **you** love **her**."

"I…" Emily looked up at the ceiling, fighting back tears.

"What are you going to do when she asks you to marry you?"

Emily shot Hanna a cold stare. "She's _not _going to ask me to marry her."

"That's what you said about moving in together, and she asked you. And you moved in together."

Emily shook her head, laughing bitterly. "She's _not_ going to ask me to marry me." Of that, Emily was sure. Abby would never take that risk. She was in self-preservation mode. She knew that their relationship was on the verge of falling apart, and she wasn't going to do anything that would risk pushing Emily over the edge.

"But don't you want that out of a relationship?" Aria asked softly. "Don't you _want_ to be married someday? Don't you deserve to be with someone you'd want to marry?"

"Someone like…" Spencer silenced Hanna with a sharp stare before she could say Paige's name. Hanna rolled her eyes. "Look, what it comes down to is, does Abby spark joy?"

Emily let out a long groan of frustration. She knew that she should never have recommended Marie Kondo to Hanna. "Hanna, I'm not going to Marie Kondo my girlfriend!"

"Ah, well, that's a breakthrough," Hanna said sarcastically. "At least you referred to her as your girlfriend!"

Emily allowed herself to smile. "Listen, I really appreciate what you're trying to do. Really. I do. And don't think I haven't had this conversation with myself a thousand times. And it always ends with the same conclusion: I'm 36 years old, I live in a small town, and the women aren't exactly beating down my door." She gave Hanna a pointed stare. "Paige isn't coming back." She raised her index finger to silence Hanna before Hanna got started. "She's not, Hanna." She flattened her hand, palms down, with finality. "She had a chance, and she didn't. I've accepted that. She isn't coming back, and Abby never left." She sighed weakly. "And I sure as hell don't want to be 36 and alone."

Aria put her head on Emily's shoulder. Hanna and Spencer joined her in a group hug. It had been enough for one day. Anything further would have been counterproductive and would have risked pushing Emily away. So, Aria didn't say what Emily already knew: Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you're not alone.


	7. Could This Be Emily's Time to Fly?

**A/N: Warning - this chapter is all Emily, all the time. Thanks for reading! 3**

* * *

Emily looked up from another sip of her coffee. She was no longer the Emily that she had been in high school; the Emily who always turned her eyes away during conversations like these. Back then, talking to Pam was awkward and uncomfortable, partly because of the normal mother-daughter awkwardness: Pam trying to share her wisdom and experience with her daughter, and Emily thinking that her mother knew nothing about her world.

It was even more complicated than that, with Emily and Pam, though. It took a while for Pam to regain Emily's trust, after how poorly she reacted when she found out that Emily was gay. It became hard for Emily to accept Pam's criticism of any of her girlfriends without secretly wondered whether her mother was really rejecting her lesbianism and not the girl in question; whether Pam would disapprove of whomever she was dating, as long as she was dating women.

It had been years since she and Pam had talked like this about her relationships. In all the time that she and Abby had been together, there hadn't been much drama between them, and, as a result, she'd never needed to go to Pam for advice. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, Emily came to realize how much things had changed since high school. Pam was treating her like an adult, asking questions and giving opinions the way she might have done with a friend or a sister.

"How long have you felt unhappy?"

Emily trailed her finger around the rim of her coffee mug. She sighed. "I don't even know," she admitted. Tilting her head to the side, she added, "I guess, after years of just lowering my expectations and settling for less and less out of our relationship, it's hard to pinpoint exactly when the happiness stopped." Emily shrugged helplessly.

"But you stuck with her?"

Emily nodded. Pam took her hand to comfort her. She knew her daughter. She knew that, no matter how bad things got, being with someone would always seem easier than being alone.

"And now what?"

Emily shrugged her shoulders. Back in high school, she would have taken the question as a threat some kind of judgment on her choices, but, this time, she appreciated that her mother was helping her work through it. "I guess you reach a point where you have to ask yourself whether it's really worth it." Pam nodded in understanding. "It's just not that easy, though, you know?" Emily looked down at the table in defeat. "You spend so many years building a life together…" She shook her head. "You can't just walk away without having everything come crashing down around you."

"So," Pam said with a faint smile, "What are the steps?"

Emily smiled too, not looking up. Her mother was using the words that her father would say, if he had been there. Emily liked that about the two of them. It was cute the way that Pam and Wayne had grown so much like each other over the years. She really wanted to have that kind of relationship with someone. She tightened her lips. "I guess I have to end it." Pam gave her wrist a slight squeeze. "And the next step," Emily said through a sigh, "is figuring out where I'm going to live…"

"You wouldn't keep the apartment?"

"I wouldn't feel right."

"You know you could always stay here," Pam offered. "At least for a little while." Pam wouldn't have minded having her only child back on a long-term basis, but she added that last bit to remind Emily that it wouldn't be forever. She knew that it would be hard enough for Emily, as an adult, to have to move back into her parents' house.

Pam got up and headed for the cabinet, so that her back was to Emily as she continued her line of thought. "It would be nice to have someone else in this big old house while your dad's off at Fort Hood." She thought that it would be easier on Emily if she realized that she was helping her mother out.

When Pam turned around, carrying a box of cookies back to the table, she saw Emily biting her lip pensively. "You know," she said as her final plea, "we kept your room exactly the way you left it."

Emily snorted out a loud laugh. "Yeah, right! You couldn't wait to turn my room into a sewing room, as soon as I moved out!"

Pam put her hand on Emily's shoulder with a mischievous smile. "Well, that was just to keep your father from turning it into his man-cave!"

Emily craned her neck, looking over her shoulder at her mother. She smiled as she accepted a cookie, and Pam patted her on the shoulder. "Just think about it, okay?"

"Okay."

Emily didn't need to think it over. She knew what she had to do.

* * *

"I… I just don't understand."

Abby was fighting back tears. Emily was staring, restless, at her hands.

"I mean, I thought we were happy!"

Emily turned sharply and stared at Abby, flabbergasted at that statement.

"Well, I mean… I thought we were working on it?"

Emily bit her lip, looking on her girlfriend with compassion. "I'm sorry," she managed.

Abby fell back against her seat. She shook her head a couple of times and sat in silence, moving her lips but not saying anything, before she narrowed her eyes and lashed out at Emily. "This is about _her_, isn't it?"

Emily immediately looked down, guiltily. She didn't know what to say. It wasn't really about Paige - Paige had already made it clear that they weren't getting back together - But it probably would have been easier on Abby if she thought that Emily was leaving her for Paige than if she found out Emily was breaking up with her because of _her;_ that she would rather be alone than stay with her.

And yet, it really _was_ about Paige, the more Emily thought about it. After all, even though Paige had rejected her, if Paige hadn't visited her and given her a glimpse back into the life that she used to have, she probably would have been content to keep on going with Abby, the way they were.

Emily looked up slowly and parted her lips, but Abby cut her off.

"No," she said sharply, with a vigorous shake of her head. "Don't say it." She scoffed. "Your body language already told me everything I need to know." She stood up so fast that her chair fell over. Emily reached for her arm.

"Abby, I…"

"Don't." Abby said, trying to hold on to some shred of pride. "Just let me go pack my things."

"I… I was going to stay with my Mom," Emily explained. Abby nodded and walked into the spare bedroom of their apartment, which they'd set up as an office. Emily winced as she heard the door slam.

She put a few things in a suitcase and headed out, leaving a note that said that she would stop by to pick up the rest later in the week. She didn't even have to say that she was going to come at a time when Abby wouldn't be there.

Pam greeted her at the door with a long hug.

"Your father says to keep your chin up," she whispered in Emily's ear. "He knows it's hard, but doing the right thing isn't always easy." Emily nodded against her mother's shoulder. Pam rubbed her back. "I'll let you get settled," she said softly, knowing that Emily needed some on her own time to process everything.

* * *

Emily felt guilty for crying over Abby. By any objective measure, she had _won_ the breakup. If anything, Abby should be the one crying. That wasn't the main reason that she felt guilty, though. Over the years, she had let so many other girlfriends go without shedding any tears. Abby had been her longest relationship by far, but theirs hadn't been the most meaningful. But there she was, crying over Abby. Even though, time and again, she had sent Paige away with not a single tear.

She knew that she shouldn't think of Paige, but it was hard not to, sitting there in her old room, in her old window seat. _Their_ window seat. Emily's mind flashed to the time when Paige told her that she'd always wanted a window seat; when she told Paige that she'd wanted someone like her; when they kissed in that window seat for the first time.

Her bed was no longer against the opposite wall, but, staring at that wall, she remembered it. She remembered lying next to Aria when the text came from Paige, inviting her on a picnic. She remembered sitting there and calling Paige after the rat-in-the-locker incident, when she almost confessed to a love that she hadn't realized was still there, until she heard the words coming out of her mouth. And she remembered lying next to Paige, both of them grieving over the fact Paige's parents were sending her off to California before the school year even ended. She didn't realize at the time that that had been her last chance with Paige. Emily sobbed as she remembered her desperate trip to the airport, trying to convince Paige to fight her parents and stay in Rosewood, realizing that it was already over by then. It was as if someone had flipped a switch in Paige's heart; that part of her heart that had always been loyal to Emily. Emily convulsed into another bout of weeping, her eyes stinging with tears.

* * *

Breaking up with Abby had been the right thing to do, but her father was right: it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy being alone; it wasn't easy moving back into her old house; it wasn't easy seeing happy couples all around her. Emily used to be a romantic. She loved to see couples being affectionate or cute together in public. But after her breakup, it was just too painful for her. She was starting to think that she would never be in that kind of relationship again. She didn't see how she ever could, when she couldn't stop thinking about Paige.

She knew that it wasn't healthy to spend so much time thinking about Paige, or about how happy everyone else was, but she couldn't help it. It was part of the mourning process. She was certain that those feelings would go away as soon as she got over her breakup with Abby.

Living with her mom wasn't easy, either. Pam had learned to give Emily some independence over the years, but, once Emily was back under her roof, she began to fall back into her old patterns. Pam had stopped worrying about how late Emily got home or how late she slept in the morning, because she was never aware of those things after Emily moved in with Abby. With Emily living in the same house again, even though Pam was trying her best to let Emily live her own life, Pam couldn't help but see. Emily tried not to get too upset when Pam treated her like a child, because she could see that Pam was trying hard not to. But it was annoying. Knowing that Pam was trying not to treat her like a baby made it even more annoying; the backhanded ways that Pam would ask where she was going or where she had been or how late she would be out.

Still, it was nice to have someone there to talk to at breakfast, and someone to watch TV with at night. It was good for both of them. In a lot of ways, Pam didn't know anything about Emily's life, but, in many ways, Emily came to realize, Pam knew her better than anyone else did.

One night, during a commercial break from a sappy, romantic movie that they were watching (the kind of movie that Pam loved so much and Emily endured for her mom's sake), Emily blurted out, "Oh, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life!" She wasn't melancholy about it. In fact, she was half-joking. Time had helped heal her heart after the rejection by Paige and her breakup with Abby.

"Well, you know what your Lola told your Tiya Estelle: It's better to be single and wish you were married than to be married and wish you were single!"

"Okay," Emily said with a quizzical smile, "I don't even know what that's supposed to mean."

Pam angled herself towards Emily, away from the TV screen. "I guess it means that it's better to be looking for love when you're single than to commit yourself to someone and still find yourself looking for love."

"You don't think I'm ever going to find love?" Emily reached for the remote and muted the TV. The conversation had suddenly become serious.

"No, I didn't say that…" Pam was using her soft, non-threatening voice – the voice that made her colleagues at the police department tease her that she should be a hostage negotiator. And, like a skilled negotiator, after a suitable pause, she hit Emily with the kicker. "Have you talked to Paige?"

A month or so earlier, Pam wouldn't have dared asked. But, as she watched Emily progress, she realized that the time was right to kick her from the nest and teach her to fly.

Emily sighed. She thought that her mom was finished interfering in her relationships. "She… doesn't want me in her life anymore."

"Well," Pam said slowly and calmly, "I can remember a time when Paige showed up on our doorstep, back when _you_ didn't want _her_ in your life anymore, but she didn't give up."

"Mom, that was… totally different."

"You may have stopped loving her, but she was…"

Emily stood up and raised a finger. "I _never_ stopped loving her." She was surprised at how defensive she still was about that fact, all those years later. "I just..." Emily sighed and let her shoulders droop. "I couldn't trust her."

"Well," Pam said again, reaching out to beckon Emily back to the couch. When Emily sat down, Pam hugged her and held on. "Maybe she never stopped loving you either."

Emily back lurched upright. It was as if she had been kick-started by a bolt of electricity. The thoughts were flying so fast that she was struggling to keep up.

She had never stopped loving Paige. She hadn't been able to admit that at the time, because she was hurt and angry, and she felt betrayed. _What if Paige it was the same with Paige? _After all the times Emily rejected her and pushed her away, what if Paige hadn't lost love, but had simply lost faith? Emily shook her head in disbelief. All that time, she'd been trying to figure out how to get Paige to _love_ her again, when what she really should have been doing was working on getting Paige to _trust_ her again.

* * *

Spencer knew some people. She made a few calls and got Emily an interview with a firm in the Bay Area, not too far from where Paige lived. Emily's friends – and Pam – were sad to see her pick up and move to California, but they were happy to let her go. They knew that this was the best thing for her.


	8. Could This Be the End of Lies?

**A/N - Another rush-job... Thanks for reading! **** Stay safe out there! ****3**

* * *

Paige shivered under her towel as she stared at her phone, waiting for the call to go through. She was just out of the pool and on her way to the showers, but she stopped when she saw why her phone was blinking. She had missed a call from Emily. No message.

She and Emily _never_ called each other. They hadn't talked on the phone in years. Unless there was an emergency, they always texted or Dmed each other. So, the fact that Emily had called triggered Paige's protective instincts. Something had to be wrong. "Come on! Come on!" she whispered, her fist clenched as she waited for the call to connect.

"Uh… Hello?"

Emily sounded surprised. Actually, she sounded as if she were pretending to be surprised. Paige worried that Emily wasn't alone; that someone was with pointing a gun or a knife at her, monitoring every word. She talked slowly and carefully, trying to assess the situation. "Emily?"

"Oh, Paige!" Emily cleared her throat nervously. "To what do I owe this surprise?"

"_You_ called _me…_" Silence. "I was just… returning your call – Are you all right?" Paige whispered the question, not wanting to tip off the person who was menacing Emily.

"Oh – ha!" – Emily actually said the word, and she slapped her forehead with her palm. "I must have butt-dialed you by mistake! You know me! Duh!"

Paige held her phone away from her face and furrowed her brow. It didn't make any sense. It's not as if her phone number was on the top of Emily's call list. Plus, Emily was acting way too weird.

"Emily…"

Emily sighed heavily into the phone. She didn't mean to start off with a lie; after all, this journey was all about regaining Paige's trust. Her tone turned more serious as she replied. "Actually, Paige, I… uh." She scoffed to herself. "I didn't call you by mistake. I… uh… I was calling to see whether you'd like to go out to dinner, sometime, but I chickened out."

"Din-ner…"

Paige sounded confused. Emiy pressed on, trying to sound perky and upbeat. "Yeah – dinner! Because I'm in California, now! I live here, now!"

"You do?" Paige was still coming up to speed. Emily took her hesitation as rejection.

"Listen, Paige, I… I just wanted to let you know that I took a job in California. That's all. We don't have to… I mean, I'm sure we'll see each other sometime."

"No, Emily, dinner sounds great. I'm just… I'm just having a hard time coming up to speed with all this. You took a job in California?"

"Yeah. I mean, I figured it was time for a change, and Spencer knew somebody, and I really never gave California a chance, back in college, so…" Emily was burning through all of the material she had planned later, over dinner with Paige, when she was would try to convince Paige that she had come to California for legitimate purposes – not to try to win her back. She could hear herself rambling. Mercifully, Paige cut her off.

"Yeah – we should definitely have dinner. That sounds good."

"Okay, then! Well, I know you'll want to talk to Aeryn…"

"Aeryn?"

"Mm hmm. To find a time when you're both available."

"You want me to bring Aeryn?"

"Of course, silly! I mean, I'm not trying to do anything behind her back." Emily laughed nervously.

"O… kay."

"Okay! Well, give me a call, sometime, and we'll sort out the details."

Paige ended the call and headed to the shower. She was still trying to figure out why Emily was being so weird. Even when they met in Philadelphia, and Emily confessed that she still had feelings for her, she hadn't acted that kind of weird. And why was she so interested in meeting Aeryn?

Paige's thoughts hadn't been very clear when she was on the phone with Emily, when she was afraid at first, and then confused. It was only when she was in the shower that she was able to start thinking straight. That's when she realized that there had been something odd about the way Emily said Aeryn's name. Most people who didn't know her mispronounce her name as "Erin," but Emily had used the correct pronunciation, which is more like "Irene." Paige was pretty sure that she had never spoken Aeryn's name to Emily before. Emily had certainly seen her name on Instagram, but Paige had never talked about her with Emily. She was never one to rub her relationships in Emily's face.

Paige's jaw dropped when it hit her. "Damn it, Aeryn!"

Emily's call must have gone to voicemail before she hung up. Paige hastily finished her shower and got dressed, dialing her voicemail before even got up from the bench:

_Hi, This is Aeryn, on Paige's phone. She can't come to the phone now, because she's too busy with her beautiful, sexy, hot girlfriend. Leave a message, but don't be surprised if she can't call you back for a while!_

It had been a few months since Aeryn found Paige's phone and put that outgoing message on, as a prank. Paige left it on there to turn the joke around on her, but then, somewhere along the way, she had forgotten all about it.

_No wonder Emily_ _was so flustered._

Paige never flaunted her relationships around Emily. She had too much respect for her. Hearing that message, Paige realized, must have been just like that time when Paige walked into The Brew all dressed up for a date. She never expected to see Emily that night; she had only stopped in because she knew that Emily didn't work that shift anymore.

"Shit!" Paige immediately deleted the outgoing message, leaving the generic, "The person you have called is not available" message in its place. She felt horrible. She started to call Emily back, but she stopped herself, thinking that it would only make things worse. She took a deep breath, her shoulders rising and falling with it. Tossing her phone into her gym bag, she stomped out of the locker room.

* * *

Emily rolled over onto her stomach and cried into her pillow. She had never felt so alone in all her life. She had left her friends and her family and moved to the other side of the country, to chase after a woman who was in a relationship. Her life had never felt so pathetic.

She let herself cry for a while before she sat up in the bed, smoothing her hair away and drying her cheeks with her fingers. She wanted to call her mom and have her tell her to hang in there and that everything was going to be okay, but she thought better of it. She couldn't go crying to her mother everytime she had a setback.

She took a deep, calming breath and slowly let her hands descend, palms down, from shoulder-height onto her mattress. She had to keep focused. She wasn't there to steal anybody's girl. She was there to regain Paige's trust. The chips would fall where they may. If she and Paige were meant to be, they were meant to be.

* * *

"So… you… want me… to pretend that we're still together."

"No…" Paige's voice was a little condescending; a little unconvincing. "I would never ask you to…" She sighed. "Look, Emily asked me to ask you…"

"Because she thought we were still together…"

"Because… whatever! I don't know what she thought."

"Uh huh." Aeryn rolled her eyes. "So, you wouldn't mind if I brought Terry?"

"What? No… I… She…" Paige narrowed her eyelids, exhaling heavily. "Fine. Yeah, she thinks we're still together. And I let her believe it." She raised her finger, quickly adding, "But I'm not asking you to pretend that we are. I just need… I don't know – some kind of buffer."

"You're afraid that you two are going to get back together?"

"No!" Paige was annoyed. Aeryn knew better than that.

"Then why didn't you tell her that we're not together anymore?"

"I don't know. I was confused by the whole thing. The phone call, out of the blue, and all of a sudden she's in California, and I…"

Aeryn rubbed Paige's shoulder. She could see that Paige was getting all worked up and emotional. If she were to have dinner with her ex in that state, it would only end in disaster. "Don't worry about it," she said soothingly. "I'll be there."

* * *

Paige stood up as Emily approached the table and, upon seeing her stand, Aeryn stood up, too. "Emily," Paige said with a heartfelt smile, greeting her friend with a warm hug. They held hands briefly as they parted.

"You look good," Emily said, barely above a whisper.

"You, too."

"Hi," Aeryn interjected, extending her arms. "I'm Aeryn."

"Aeryn," Emily repeated. "It's so nice to meet you."

"You, too," Aeryn said, backing away after the hug. "I've heard a lot about you."

Emily smiled. She couldn't say the same about Aeryn, so she just stood there smiling.

"Uh… well… let's have a seat!" Paige said hurriedly.

"So, what do you think about California?"

Emily tightened her lips in thought, looking up at the ceiling. "I like it," she said confidently. "You know how they say there are five steps to assimilation, when you move someplace new? Like, euphoria, homesickness, and… the other three" – she laughed self-deprecatingly. "Well, I'm definitely in the euphoria stage. Everything's still new and exciting!" She smiled deviously. "I'm sure I'll hate it in a week!" After addressing her comments to Aeryn, she shifted her eyes briefly to Paige, who smiled in acknowledgment.

Paige was glad that Aeryn was there. It was clearly helping to put Emily at ease. Paige had forgotten how charming and witty Emily could be in conversation, when she wasn't trying to get them back together.

Emily used her knife and fork to cut the iceberg lettuce in her salad into more manageable, bite-sized bits. She waved her fork back and forth between Aeryn and Paige. "So, how long have you two been together? It must be – what, like three years, now? Four years?"

Paige dipped her head. Emily looked at Aeryn, confused. Aeryn looked at Paige, who nodded slightly.

"We're not together anymore," Aeryn said quickly, ripping the band-aid off.

Emily dropped her silverware and her head tumbled down, as if her neck stopped working. She felt betrayed and made a fool of. "Oh," she said softly. She was not going to cry.

Paige's reflexes from their years together kicked in. She reached for Emily's hand across the table. Emily looked at Paige's hand on top of her own, resisting the urge to jerk her hand away.

"Emily, I'm sorry. I should've told you that…" Paige gave Emily's hand a squeeze before letting it go. "I wasn't trying to hurt you."

Emily nodded slightly and dabbed her face with her napkin before looking up. "It's okay," she said softly. "I know you weren't." Paige may not always have handled things well, but Emily trusted that she would never be intentionally cruel – a trust that had come a little too late, in high school.

Aeryn elbowed Paige in the side, and Paige yelped in surpise and pain. She was somewhere between really annoyed and really pissed off. "Hey, I'm really sorry, Emily. I hope you don't think…"

Emily looked at her with a smile that was obviously forced. "It's not your fault," she said, her voice still soft. She shifted her gaze to Paige. "I know I caught everyone off guard when I called. I should've handled it better."

"No, Emily, you…"

Emily smiled at Paige. "Can we, please, talk about something else?" There was a "please" in Emily's eyes that Paige couldn't say no to, so she backed down. "We can still have a nice dinner." Emily was channeling Pam Fields' hopeless optimism for a moment.

Paige looked at Aeryn. They both looked at Emily.

"Actually," Aeryn said, reaching down for her purse, "I should probably get going." She looked back and forth at both of them. "You two really need to talk."

"Yeah, you're probably right."  
"No, don't be silly."

Aeryn smiled sadly at their simultaneous responses. She gave Paige's shoulder a squeeze and gave one to Emily's wrist, too. Paige made a silent plea for Aeryn not to leave her there, to face the consequences, but Aeryn was resolved. "It was nice to meet you," she said sweetly. "I look forward to getting to know you under better circumstances."

Emily's smile faded as Aeryn walked away. She steeled herself to face the rest of dinner, just the two of them.

Paige looked back at her, once she could no longer pretend that she was watching Aeryn leave. "I'm really sorry," she rasped.

"Paige, it's okay." After a second, Emily shrugged slightly. "I know you. I know you were trying to protect me." Emily wasn't just talking about this incident. She was confessing that, despite how angry she had been at Paige in the past, in the end, she had come to know that Paige's intentions were reached for the stem of her wine glass and twirled it around in her fingers. "Let's just forget about it for now and enjoy this dinner, okay?" Paige looked perplexed. "We have the rest of our lives to talk."

Paige smiled weakly. She already had the impression that all eyes were on their table, after Aeryn's abrupt exit. "Yeah. Let's just enjoy dinner."

* * *

Emily let a couple of days pass before she called her mother. She was out of options. She couldn't stay in California; she wasn't tough enough to deal with everything. But she couldn't go back home, either, after leaving her job. And it would look horrible on her résumé if she quit her new job after only a couple of weeks. She needed someone to tell her that it wasn't all a big mistake; that she was strong enough to stick it out. She canceled the call before it went through. Back in high school, it was her mother who always told her not to push too hard, that things would be okay. If she wasn't enjoying swimming anymore, she could quit. She loved Pam for being so supportive. But in the circumstances where she found herself, she didn't need an escape hatch. She needed someone to kick her in the ass and tell her to work harder, the way Coach Fulton used to. She scrolled down her contacts and pulled her father's number instead.

"What's wrong, Emmy?"

Emily sighed. "Hi, Dad!" she said mockingly. "Not even a 'Hello?' You just _assume_ that I'm only calling because something's wrong?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hi, Emmy! What's wrong?" Wayne allowed himself to laugh at his own joke before his tone turned serious. "Is this about Paige?"

He had always been a fan of Paige. He didn't know everything about her relationship with Emily, but he liked the way that Paige had of bringing the best out of her; pushing her to excel and be her best.

"I think I've made a big mistake," Emily said, as calmly as she could. She might have broken down in tears, had it been her mother on the phone, but she always tried to keep a braver face with Wayne. "I gave up my world to chase after a woman who doesn't even have feelings for me anymore." She laughed ironically. "What was I thinking?"

"You weren't just chasing after a girl. You were chasing after love."

"So? I mean, call it whatever you want, but it's the same result. I may love her, but what difference does it make?"

"You know what I always liked about Paige?"

Emily rolled her eyes. "Yes, Dad. I know. You tell me all the time."

Wayne laughed lightly. "Look, I get it. I know you're not Paige. Nor should you be. But the thing about Paige is, she never believed in lost causes. No matter what happened, she was willing to fight to the end."

"Except for me," Emily said sadly. "She gave up fighting for me."

"You know what I always liked about you and Paige?"

Emily sighed impatiently. "What, Dad?"

"I like the way you two always had each other's backs. If you were having an off day in competition, she'd step up her game. If she struggled in her race, she could count on you to bail her out. Now, don't' get me wrong: When you were both on top of your game, it was awesome. But, even when you weren't, it was still great. Do you see what I'm saying?" He didn't wait for an answer. "You see, there was a time when Paige believed in the two of you and you didn't. But she didn't give up until you started to believe again, too. And now, when she doesn't believe, it's up to you to believe hard enough for the two of you. Do you get that?"

"I guess." Emily noticed that she was smiling.

"I'm not telling you that you have to be like Paige. I know you sometimes thought that I wished you were the kind of swimmer that Paige was. But that was never it. Having two Paiges on that team would have been a disaster. No, she needed you to be the _Emily_ kind of swimmer."

Emily nodded, even though Wayne couldn't see her. What he was saying was good to hear. She had always wondered whether Wayne had secretly wished for a daughter who was more like Paige, with the killer instinct.

"And, now, she needs you to be the Emily kind of girlfriend."

Emily chuckled sadly. "I'm hardly her girlfriend."

"Not yet," Wayne said confidently. "But give it time. For now, just concentrate on being the Emily kind of friend."


	9. Could This Be Happening?

**A/N – This is kind of a rambling update… Ugh. As if I don't already feel inadequate with the return of **_**Locum Tenens**_**." :) / :( Oh well! Thanks for reading! Stay safe! 3**

* * *

"Come on," Paige whispered to herself as she waited for her call to go through. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed with her phone in her lap. She put her hair up into a quick ponytail and unconsciously clenched her fingers into tight fists. Her left one was rubbing up and down her thigh, and her right was gently pounding. She half-hoped that the call would go to voicemail. Leaving a message would have been so much easier.

It wasn't that she was nervous. Terrified was more like it.

"Hello."

It had been almost three weeks, but the anger was still evident in the tone. Paige lost what little nerve she had.

"Hi. I… uh… I just called to apologize," Paige blurted out. The scoff on the other end was loud, even through her phone. "Okay, I get that what I did was way out of line, and I never should have…"

"No shit?" It had been a while since Paige had heard her ex-girlfriend get mad at her like that. Since the breakup, she had been on pins and needles around Paige, for the most part, as if she didn't want to scare her away. The anger was actually somewhat of a relief; the fact that she was able to be herself. "Seriously, what were you thinking Paige? Oh – wait. You _weren't _thinking!"

Paige pressed on with her explanation, even though the question was obviously sarcastic. "I just thought that… having someone else there… it might… I don't know… take a little of the pressure off having to deal with me one-on-one."

"Yeah. And how did that work out?"

Paige threw her head back in frustration. "Look, I didn't call to argue with you. I just wanted to apologize for putting you in that situation. If I had had any idea…"

"If you'd had any idea? Paige, someone moves across the country to be closer to you, and you had no idea?"

"Hey!" Paige got defensive and stuck her index finger in the air. "She did _not_ move across the country to be with me!"

"Oh, God – whatever!" Aeryn was about to lose it. "I just hope you did a better job apologizing to her than you just did to me!" Paige dipped her head. The silence was deafening. "Oh my God! You haven't called her yet?"

"Well, I…"

"In **three** weeks?"

"Aeryn," Paige pleaded, "I've been down this road before with her. Too many times to count. She's not going to listen to a word I say." Paige bit her lip. "She's just going to yell at me and make me feel like a fool," Paige said sadly.

"You deserve it." Aeryn scoffed.

Paige let that comment go. "Just… trust me," she stammered. "When Emily's mad at me…"

"Uh – hello? Emily is _not_ mad at you."

"I… yes she…" Paige couldn't even. "Did you even see her? You were at the same dinner I was!"

"Yeah, I was," Aeryn said defiantly. "And I saw her. I didn't see anger. I saw hurt. You hurt her Paige."

"No…" Paige was resolute. "I think I know Emily better than you do."

Aeryn shook her head, throwing her hands up in frustration. "Fine. She's mad at you. Whatever. You'd still better call her. You owe her that much."

Paige sighed deeply. "You're probably…"

"Why are you still talking to me?" Aeryn demanded impatiently. "Go! Call her."

"All right! All right! I'll…" The screen on Paige's phone woke up, indicating that the call had ended. She chuckled in spite of herself. She knew that Aeryn was yelling at her like that because she really cared. She swiped through her contacts and pulled up Emily's name, closing her eyes as she pressed the call button.

Aeryn was right. Emily deserved the chance to yell at her. Paige felt a little guilty for finding comfort in Aeryn's obervation that she was hurt rathr than angry.

The phone clicked. Paige braced herself.

"Hi, Paige."

Unlike Aeryn's tone from the previous call, Emily's was hard to read. Paige pressed ahead.

"Hi, Emily. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for how I handled that dinner…" She paused. She was about to describe the dinner, so Emily would know what she was talking about, but she realized how silly that was. Of course, Emily knew which dinner she was calling about.

"It's okay," Emily said, before Paige could continue. There was a little upturn in her voice, as if she really meant it.

"Well, not really," Paige said slowly. "I… I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, I honestly thought… Well, it sounds stupid even to say it, but I thought that having Aeryn there would… would take a little of the pressure off."

Emily smiled to herself. "Well, that's probably not the _dumbest_ idea you've ever had."

Paige smiled too. "No, I suppose it wasn't." She licked her lips, which had suddenly become dry. "And I guess it probably won't the last dumb idea I ever have."

Emily laughed lightly, and then responded sincerely. "Well, I appreciate the apology."

"Okay," Paige said softly. "And… I'm sorry that I didn't call sooner."

"Okay."

There was was a gap of a couple of seconds. The silence took Paige back to high school. All of a sudden, a flood of memories crashed into her brain: One of them would call the other on some flimsy pretext – "Did you get the math assignment?" "What time are we training tomorrow?" "What was the name of that movie Aria was talking about at lunch?" After a minute or so, when there was nothing else to say on the topic, and one of them _should_ have said, "Anyway, I'll talk to you tomorrow," neither of them did. Instead, they just stayed silently on the phone until someone came up with something else to talk about. Paige couldn't believe that it was still happening, all those years later, but Emily didn't try to get off the phone.

Paige started to speak at the exact moment that Emily did.

"What?"

"You first," Emily asserted. "After all, you called me!"

"I… I was just going to say that Aeryn really feels bad about it, too."

"Does she?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I hope she doesn't feel too bad. After all…"

"What?"

Emily was going to point out that it wasn't Aeryn's fault, but she didn't want to leave the implication that she was blaming Paige. She had done a lot of growing up since high school, and she realized that laying blame and keeping score really wasn't worth it, in the long run. "She seems like a really good person," she ended up saying.

"Oh, she is!" Paige picked up on the thread eagerly. "Yeah, I'm sure the two of you would hit it off. Well, under the right circumstances."

Emily laughed at Paige's self-deprecating tone. "I'd love to meet her under the right circumstances. And – Terry?" Emily wasn't sure of the name.

"Yeah, Terry. Yeah, you should meet him, too. He's a really great guy."

Emily's head snapped back a bit. "Oh," she said, surprised.

"What? You're surprised that I get along with my ex's boyfriend? Trust me, I wouldn't let her go out with just _any_ guy."

Emily smiled nostaligically. "Trust me, I know. You've always been very protective of your exes."

Paige didn't reply. Emily laughed.

"What?"

"You just dipped your head, didn't you?" She laughed again as the phone fell silent. "See? I _know_ you did!" _It's sweet._ Emily was glad that she didn't say that part out loud. She didn't want to make Paige feel even more uncomfortable. "No, I was surprised that he's a nice guy. I was surprised that… he _was_ a guy." The words sounded confusing to Emily even as she said them. "You know," she added, "I thought Terry was a woman."

"Don't worry," Paige said sarcastically. "I didn't turn Aeryn straight." Feeling a little guilty for joking about that, she quickly added, "That was a joke."

A touch of guilt wasn't all that she felt. She felt happy. This was different – hanging out on the phone with Emily as friends. In the past, she was the one in the weak position, wanting them to get back together, when Emily wasn't interested. Later, after Rosewood, the roles had reversed, with Emily pining away after her. Paige couldn't remember a time when they weren't together and both on equal footing. It was actually kind of nice, having Emily as a friend. She had missed staying up all night on the phone with Emily. And she missed having a friend to hang out with, after Aeryn and Terry got together.

* * *

"The pizza here is really good."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Paige, I'm not splitting a pizza with you."

"_No one_ is splitTing a pizza with Paige," Terry spouted, his voice comically deep as he tilted down his menu and looked down his nose at Paige.

"Oh my goodness," Emily said with a laugh, "I thought, out here on the west coast, people would be more open-minded about the…" It took her a moment to get her thoughts into words. "… crazy, _avant-garde_ pizza concoctions Paige comes up with!"

Aeryn stroked her shoulder. "Oh, _please_," she said dismissively. "And, meanwhile, all this time, she's been telling us that everyone in Rosewood eats pizza with ranch and buffalo chicken and pineapple and…" She shuddered, making a puke face. "Eugh!"

Paige forced her face into a fake frown. "Okay, well, I may have… _exaggerated_ Rosewood's appreciation for my genius pizza creations, but…" Seeing the looks that she was getting from the table, she threw her hands up and let them drop onto the table in defeat. "What can I say? No great artist is appreciated in her lifetime!" She quickly ducked under the cover of the menu before anyone could contradict her.

The menu also served to hide her smile. She was over the moon. It was weird: her ex, her other ex, and her best friend who had started dating her ex – all getting along.

As Aeryn and Terry collaborated on what they were going to order, Paige leaned towards Emily and pointed out something on the menu. "Oh, no," Emily said with a frown. "You wouldn't like that. It's spinach."

Erin's head popped up from behind her menu. "I thought you liked spinach."

Paige shook her head quickly, scowling in disgust. Emily smiled to herself. Part of it was the familiarity of it all, the way that Paige leaned over towards her with the menu. It ws as if she still trusted Emily to know what she would like than she trusted herself. There was also the familiarity of the fact that Paige's tastes hadn't changed – still eating weird pizza combinations, and still avoiding spinach like the plague. And, to be honest, Emily liked the fact that Aeryn didn't know how much she hated spinach; that, in some ways at least, she knew Paige better than anybody else did. It felt good, sitting at a table with Paige on what might as well have been a double date. It wasn't, of course. There would be no holding of hands, no little pecks on the cheek – and certainly no good-night kiss. Still, it was the closest that she and Paige had been in more years than Emily cared to admit. If that was all that she got out of moving to California, it would almost have been worth it.

* * *

_It was worth it._ Paige peeled her eyelid down, examining the streaks of red that had formed against the whites. She knew that she shouldn't have had so much to drink. She was going to pay for it in the morning – literally, because she'd ended up taking an Uber home, and she'd have to get another one in the morning to pick up her car. But it was worth it. It was the best night out that she'd had in quite some time. She was almost dancing as she got undressed and ready for bed, replaying bits of the night's conversation in her head, even saying parts of it out loud and laughing all over again.

Never in a million years would she have thought that she and Emily could work as just friends. Even back in Rosewood, when Emily told her that what she needed was a friend, and she agreed to be that, it had been out of desperation, not conscious thought. They had always been hot or cold. When it was hot, it sizzled. And, inevitably, Paige got burned. When they were cold, it was excruciating.

She didn't want to think about that. Especially not on this night. Things couldn't possibly have gone better. Aeryn and Terry really liked Emily. That was no surprise. Emily, in the best of times, was definitely a charmer. What surprised Paige was how proud she was of the fact that they liked her. It struck her as more invested than she should have been, but that was a topic for another night. She was too tipsy and too tired to give it too much thought.

* * *

_We have a connection… I wish I'd fought harder for you._

Emily was haunted by those words; by the way that they were playing out in reverse. And by the way that they ended.

_What I need right now is a friend._

_Then it's official. We're friends._

_That makes me happy._

At times, it felt weird being friends with Paige. It felt great, of course. Emily loved being able to call Paige when she needed a hand, or when she needed a buddy to go shopping with or go to a movie with. Or just when she was bored and needed someone to talk to.

It was almost like the friendship that she had with Hanna, or Spencer, or Aria. It was the kind of friendship that she and Paige might have had if one of them had been straight, or hadn't been single. And that's where the weirdness came in: They weren't straight or in relationships; and, on top of all that, they had history. They had been attracted to each other and had been intimate with each other in ways that weren't true with any of Emily's other friends – but, still, they were just friends.

Emily knew that she couldn't think that way; that she needed to learn to be happy with what she and Paige had. After all, she had moved to California to regain Paige's trust – and if Paige felt that she had only been pretending to be her friend so that she could try to win her back, all of that trust would go out of the window. _If you love someone, set her free._ Emily was never a fan of clichés, but that one seemed to make sense, in this stage of her life.

_That makes me happy._

Emily had to learn to be happy with "friends" again. And she _was_ happy. Still, there was no denying that she wanted more. That seemed like a contradiction, but it was how she felt. After all, someone can be content after eating a great meal but still say yes when the waiter rolls up with the dessert cart.

And that, she supposed, was her answer. If Paige came by and offered her dessert, she would jump at the chance. Until that time, though, she would just have to be happy with a wonderful meal.

* * *

Emily ran the lipstick over her lips, then pressed them together to smooth it out. She looked at her reflection and convinced herself that it wasn't too much.

It was different, going out to the movies with Paige. She wasn't dressing up, the way she would have to impress someone whom she wanted to like her, and she wasn't dressing down, the way she would a few weeks into a dating someone, when they reached the point where she could be comfortable and be herself. It was just a movie night, with a friend. She had fallen into a comfortable friendship with Paige that she was enjoying just for the sake of friendship.

She looked down at her dress, pulling it out to the side and letting it swish back into place. It wasn't too much. They were going to see "La La Land," after all, and the dress was just an homage to Emma Stone's aesthetic. She wouldn't have been surprised if Paige showed up in a white linen shirt and black-and-white wing tips. Okay, that might have been a bit of a stretch, but still. She was sure that Paige would get why she wore the dress. And she kind of wanted to see Paige in white linen and wing tips.

Paige's jaw dropped when Emily opened the front door, and she caught her first glimpse of the dress. "Wow!"

Emily giggled shyly. She pulled out the dress to let Paige see its flow. "Emma Stone, right?"

"Ah… What?"

Emily tilted her head, pretending to be offended. "Paige, have you never seen 'La La Land' before?"

"First time!" Paige said quickly. She had actually seen it, but she wasn't really thinking straight, having been caught off guard by the dress.

Emily rolled her eyes and gave Paige a, "what am I going to do with you?" look.

Paige took Emily's hand, to help her down the steps. It wasn't unusual. They had become the kind of friends who could hold hands or even lock arms without it getting awkward; without anyone getting the wrong idea. Paige held open the door and helped Emily inside, smiling back at Emily's thank-you smile as she settled in and discreetly slid her dress down over her long, tanned legs.

Paige was smiling as she drove. When Emily asked why, she just shrugged her shoulders and told her that she was looking forward to the movie. As Emily started to run down the plot of the movie for her, Paige just stared at the road, reminiscing. She remembered sitting next to Emily, in her car or in Emily's, headed off for some adventure. There wasn't much that she liked about Rosewood; in fact, she tried hard to forget most of high school. But there were some good times. It was nice to have Emily next to her again, as a reminder.

And it was nice to have Emily as a friend. It was kind of amazing, sitting next to her in the theater, sharing a box of popcorn, and, when their hands accidentally met as they reached into the box, neither of them felt the need to jerk her hand away, to avoid giving the wrong impression, and neither one worried that the unintentional touch would lead to something else. It was just casual. Paige playfully slapped Emily's hand, accusing her of hogging the popcorn, and Emily brushed her thumb across Paige's cheek, wiping away a bit of salt, as friends do. There was no awkwardness of self-consciousness. It was what it was, and they were what they were: two old friends. The best of friends.

* * *

The movie always made Emily emotional, but she wasn't prepared for how hard it hit her this time, when it came to the point where Emma Stone and her husband went to the jazz bar and, seeing Ryan Gosling there, was transported back in time to that meeting so many years ago, only, this time, things were different. Suddenly, a rush of emotion came over Emily, and she felt like crying. The scene was all about poor decisions and missed opportunities. It was the story of everyone's life, but none more than Emily's, with Paige. Her mind flashed back to the crucial moment that she would have changed, if she had the chance: That night in the airport, when Paige left her – really left her – for good. She wasn't deluded enough, in her imagination, to come up with an alternate universe where Paige changed her mind and stayed, but she wondered how their lives would have been if she had insisted on getting on the plane with Paige. Even that was unrealistic, she knew, and she knew that Paige would never let her sacrifice her life like that. But, maybe the gesture would have been enough. Maybe it would have been enough to show Paige that she was serious about them, and maybe things would have been different when she finally did move out to California, to study at Pepperdine.

"Are you okay?" Paige teased, when she saw Emily's face getting flushed, thinking that Emily was only emotional about Emma Stone's decisions, not her own. "Do you need a tissue?"

Emily quickly lifted her head off of Paige's shoulder and punched her softly in the bicep. "Shut up!"

Just that quickly, she was back to reality, with her best friend.

* * *

The evening found them sitting at a small table in a quiet bar, sharing a bottle of wine. Emily should have known better than to drink when she was feeling so emotional, but neither one of them felt like calling it a night. She didn't realize how long they had been sitting there or just how many glasses she'd drunk until she heard herself asking Paige, in a soft, doleful voice, "What happened to us? Why didn't we make it?"

Paige sat up in her chair, shifting her weight uncomfortably. She should have known better than to ask Emily to see that particular movie.

"I… I'm sorry, Paige," Emily said with a wave of her hand. "I don't know what… I – I had too much to drink." Paige nodded, looking at Emily like a deer in the headlights. Emily was too tipsy to shut up, though. She leaned forward on her elbows, fighting back tears. "How could you walk away from m… from _us_? I thought we were…"

Paige took a deep breath, puckering her lips before she blew it out. This was it: The conversation that she had avoided back in high school. There in front of Emily's locker, after she bent down to pick up Emily's book, she had seen Emily's heart soften, and it made her heart melt, too. All of a sudden, she was back under Emily's spell – and afraid that having an honest discussion with Emily would somehow drive her away again. She had stifled her feelings for years, afraid to drive Emily away when they were together, and, later, afraid of upsetting her unnecessarily. Now that those were finally about to come out, she wanted to make sure that she got it right. She didn't want to appear angry or to make Emily defensive. She just wanted to get that huge weight off her chest.

"Emily," she said in a pleading voice, "I walked away from you _once._ Do you have any idea how many times you walked away from me?"

_But I came back¸_ Emily wanted to say, but she held her tongue. She knew how important it was for Paige to be heard.

"Do you know how much it hurt me? _Every time?_"

"I'm _sorry_, Paige." Emily's voice trembled.

Paige shook her head. "I didn't tell you so you'd be sorry." She shrugged her shoulders quickly. "It was years ago. We've both changed since then. I told you because I wanted you to know why I walked away – why I _had_ to walk away." Paige leaned across the table, clasping her hands in front of her. "The time that we spent together, between Thanksgiving and Stanford were the most stress-filled time of my life. I lived with this constant dread that I was going to say something or do something, and you would get pissed off and dump me again." Paige shook her head slowly, smiling bitterly. "I know you loved me, Em. But it was always really easy for you to leave me." Paige looked deep into Emily's eyes. She could see the pain there. But she had to say one more thing; she had to share the thought that had haunted her since high school. "You were the best thing that happened to me in high school, Emily. And the worst."

Emily breathed in through her nostrils. It wasn't a sniffle, although she was on the verge of tears. She didn't want to get Paige back that way; Paige taking pity on her or thinking that she would have to hide her feelings if they were going to be together – even as friends. But there was something that she couldn't stop herself from asking. She had to know. Nodding slowly, she returned Paige's gaze. "I hear what you're saying," she said soberly. She looked down at her wine glass. "Paige, can I ask you something? Do… do you have any feelings left for me at all?"

Paige sank back against her chair and ran her fingers through her hair. "Emily, you mean the world to me. I honestly can't think of anything that in the world that I would put ahead of our friendship. I mean, what we've built, since you moved out to California, is the most amazing friendship I've had in my life. And, to be honest, I never thought we could work as just friends, but now… Well, I can't believe how lucky I am to have a friendship like this."

Jeez, Paige, _I get it: We're friends. God – why don't you say it a thousand more times?_

Emily nodded her head slowly. "I can't believe how lucky I am, either," she said, when she was sure Paige had finished tossing the F-word around.

Paige leaned across the table, lowering her head so that she could look up at Emily. "Are things going to be awkward between us now?"

Emily rolled her eyes. "Oh, totally," she sneered, giving Paige a playful slap on the shoulder. Paige smiled, like a professor who was trying to console a student after telling her that she'd failed the final exam. Emily cleared her throat and sat up straight, forcing a smile. "Thank you," she said sincerely, "for letting me know."

Paige not knowing how to respond to that, eventually replied, "Thank you for letting me get that off my chest."

* * *

Later that night – or, actually, early the next morning, Paige found herself rummaging through her underwear drawer, looking for that picture. Not the copy that Aeryn made after she ripped the original to pieces, but the actual torn pieces of the original. Paige had held on to the broken pieces to remind herself that it was well and truly over between her and Emily. There was no way to put the pieces back together the way they were. There was too much water under the bridge; too many scars. They weren't the girls they were back when that picture was taken.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying her best to fight the thought that was gnawing at her.

_Maybe it's time to take a new picture._


	10. Could This Be a Dream?

Emily was having trouble sleeping. It had been going on for three days, ever since the night at the movies with Paige. The days weren't so bad. In the daytime, work helped keep her preoccupied. It was at bedtime, with nothing to divert her, that she wrestled with her thoughts. She dreaded the weekend.

It wasn't the anxiety over whether or not Paige would call. She was pretty sure that Paige wouldn't. It had, after all, taken three weeks for Paige to call after the dinner incident with Aeryn. That was the way it was with Paige; she always found it easier to avoid confrontation than to reach out when she thought someone was mad at her.

Emily had been staring at the ceiling and the walls for a couple of hours before she finally broke down and picked up the phone.

"Em?"

"Am I a bad person?"

"What are you doing up? What time is it even, in California?"

"I can't sleep."

Hanna exhaled, sitting up in the bed. She slid on a pair of slippers and headed to the bathroom. She could tell that she was in for a long conversation, and she didn't want to disturb Caleb.

Emily didn't need to explain what she was asking about. She had given Hanna the "La La Land" story in all its gory details on the night it happened.

"No, you're not a bad person," Hanna said, sounding annoyed that Emily thought that she was. "And, even if you _were_ a bad person back in high school – which you _weren't_ – you're not the same person that you were back then."

"I feel like a bad person," Emily said, close to tears. "I feel horrible. I was horrible to Paige."

"Has she called?" Hanna's voice was small and tentative. It wasn't hard to guess the answer to that question.

"No," Emily sighed. "She's not going to call."

"Sucks."

Emily shrugged her shoulders. "Can you blame her?" Emily asked resignedly.

"I don't know, Em. It's not like Paige to hold a grudge. Besides, she was happy to be friends with you until you two talked, even with all your history. Why would she be mad at you now?"

"I guess you're right. But she's still not going to call. She hates confrontation."

"Maybe you should call her."

"What would I even say?" Emily closed her eyes and covered her forehead with her palm. "God – why did I have to ask her that stupid question?"

"Isn't it better knowing?"

Emily scoffed bitterly. "No." On some level, she had to think that it was good for Paige to get it off her chest. It was hard to think about that, though, when she was in so much pain.

* * *

Paige missed Emily. She missed the fun that they used to have. She missed being able to call her or text her about anything. Or nothing. She missed being able just to show up at her apartment and hang out.

This is exactly why she had always avoided telling Emily how she felt. It wasn't worth losing her – as a girlfriend, back in Rosewood, or as a friend in California. It was just easier for Paige to suck it up.

Emily had promised that it wouldn't be awkward after their talk, but there was no way that could be true. Paige really wanted things to be right between her and Emily again. She knew that it would take time. She pulled up Netflix on her phone and tried to find something to watch. It was taking forever. She didn't feel like watching something alone. It was always more fun to have someone to talk with while she watched – especially if it was a bad movie that they could make fun of together – or a sentimental movie that she could make fun of Emily for getting teary-eyed about.

She missed having Emily around.

* * *

"Em?"

Paige was surprised – and a little bit worried – that Emily had called her. She was so distracted, mentally going through all of the reasons that Emily might have called her, that she almost missed the call. In the end, she decided that Emily's most likely reason was to tell her off; to make her counter-arguments to everything Paige had said that night – and then, maybe, start listing her own set of complaints about Paige. And she decided that Emily had every right to give her side of the story, so she picked up the phone.

Before she could say anything, she heard Emily ask, "How's it going?"

She sounded happy. Paige was confused, to say the least. Then, she remembered Emily's promise: Things weren't going to be awkward between them. Paige was more than ready to move past it, if Emily was.

* * *

"So, I signed up for that Disney+ free trial," Paige announced.

They had reached that part of the phone call where there wasn't really anything to say, but they wanted to keep on talking.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah," Paige said. "I wanted to see whether 'The Mandalorian' was worth all the hype."

Emily laughed out loud. "And, here I thought you were going to say you got it for 'The Little Mermaid.'"

Paige rolled her eyes. "Well, I've got that on Blu Ray," she said sarcastically, "so I can watch it whenever I want."

"Ha ha," Emily mocked. "It's a _good_ movie," she added, unconvincingly. After a silence, she continued. "So, was it?"

"Was it what?"

"Worth all the hype?"

Paige shrugged. "I don't know – I haven't watched it yet!"

"You haven't watched it yet?"

"No…"

"Paige!" There was a little scolding in Emily's tone. "Well, we have to watch it this weekend, then!"

"Emily… We… I…" Paige took a deep breath and focused her thoughts. "I chose the last movie. It's your turn."

"My turn? What is this, second grade?"

"No, it's just – I know you don't want to see 'The Mandalorian.'"

"Are you kidding me? I love Star Trek!"

"Star Wars."

"Whatever!" Emily said with a laugh. "Besides, you sat through 'Rudy' all those times with me, so I don't mind watching your thing with you."

_We were together when I watched Rudy,_ Paige thought. The circumstances were totally different. But she didn't want to argue. And she really did want to watch "The Mandalorian" with someone else. With _Emily_.

"You know it's not a movie, right? It's a whole series."

"Friday night binge!" Emily announced excitedly. "I'll bring dinner."

"I can just order a pizza…"

"Yeah, right. Paige!" Emily laughed and declared, "I'll watch Star Wars with you, but I'm not letting you choose the pizza!"

* * *

"So, is he supposed to be the good guy or the bad guy?" Emily's head was on Paige's shoulder, and she was helping herself to popcorn from the bowl in Paige's lap.

"I don't know! I'm watching it for the first time, too."

"Yeah, but you know all the movies. You know all the history."

"Okay, well, this isn't part of the movie, though. It's like – it's in the Star Wars Universe, but I don't know anything about it except for…" Paige held her tongue, not wanting to spoil things for Emily.

"Baby Yoda?" Emily chimed enthusiastically, sitting up in anticipation. "Ooh – I wanted to see him!"

Paige laughed to herself. She loved seeing Emily so excited – even if she did miss having her friend's head on her shoulder.

* * *

"Oh, my God – I get it now!" Emily hunched up on her knees on Paige's couch, suddenly very animated. "You're the Mandalorian!"

"What?"

"Well, you were. In high school." Emily put her hands out, at the sides of Paige's face; then, at the top and bottom, as if framing it with a mask. "You never took off your mask and let anyone inside."

"Emily," Paige said wearily, "I came out in high school, too, remember?"

"Not that mask," Emily said, still smiling at her realization. "That… Paige McCullers bravado. You never let anybody see what was underneath it all."

"I don't know about that." _You got to see behind it._

"Well, I mean, _I _got to see behind the mask." Emily giggled nervously. She didn't want to take things too far and look too desperate for them to get back together.

* * *

Emily woke up reclining on the couch in a dark room, with only the faint glow of a light bulb, somewhere off in the distance. "Paige?" she said sleepily, before she came to enough to remember that she was in Paige's apartment.

Paige shuffled closer, and Emily, startled, gasped, clutching her heart. She turned backwards, where the noise had come from, and saw Paige, who raised her arms to show the sweatpants she was holding in one hand and the t-shirt she was holding in the other.

"Sorry," Paige said softly. "I didn't know whether I should wake you or let you sleep."

"What time is it?" Emily's voice was still groggy.

"It's about 1:30."

"Oh." Emily shuffled into a sitting position, reaching quickly for her things. "I'm so sorry, Paige," she said, shaking her head. She got up and headed for the door, but Paige put two hands on her shoulders to stop her.

"Em, it's way too late."

Emily relaxed her shoulders in defeat. She knew that she shouldn't try to head home, at that point. Tilting her head submissively, she asked, "You don't mind?"

Paige tightened her lips and crinkled her forehead, as if confused that Emily would even have to ask. "Of course not," she said matter-of-factly.

Emily reached for the clothes that Paige had brought her with a soft, "Thanks."

"I've got a king-sized bed," Paige added, hoping to deflect Emily's guilt with humor, "so, even if you still do that crazy-legs kicking you used to do in your sleep, I'll be safe."

Emily rolled her eyes and slapped Paige in the shoulder a little harder than she'd intended. Paige fell back a half-step. "Shut up," Emily replied, unable to keep a straight face.

* * *

Emily looked at herself in the mirror after she opened the box on the new toothbrush that Paige had left for her on the side of the sink. "Not like this," she said to her reflection, her voice barely audible.

This wasn't the way that she wanted to get Paige back: Forced by circumstances to share a bed, cuddling up next to her in the night, and letting nature take its course. She wanted Paige back the right way; for the right reasons. She wasn't looking for a quick-fix. Those never really lasted. She watched her chest rise and fall in the mirror with the deep breath she took in.

* * *

Paige woke in the middle of the night holding Emily's hand. She wasn't sure how it had happened or who had initiated it. Maybe Emily was having a bad dream, or maybe she, herself, was feeling lonely – a feeling that she'd gotten reacquainted with since she and Emily started hanging out. They had been facing each other as they slept, and, somehow, their hands were clasped. Paige felt a little guilty for not letting go once she woke up. It wasn't as if she and Emily hadn't held hands since Emily moved out there. They often held hands casually – to get the other's attention when they were talking, for example, or to pull the other along, when she was taking too much time. Or just holding hands, the way friends often do. But Paige didn't think that she should be holding Emily's hand in bed. It didn't seem fair to Emily; Paige thought that it might give her the wrong impression and make her think that Paige was interested in getting back together. She sighed as she let go of Emily's hand, careful not to wake her. _Why do things always have to get complicated?_

The next time Paige woke up, Emily wasn't there. And Paige smelled breakfast. She couldn't help smiling. She made her way down the hall to the kitchen, where Emily was happily cooking away, swaying back and forth to whatever music was playing in her head. Something about the way Emily's hips were swaying from side to side reminded Paige of the last dance at the hoedown. She had been skeptical that night, when Emily asked her to dance, after everything that had happened, but when Emily pleaded with her eyes, all of her defenses crumbled. She smiled to herself at the memory of their dance as she tiptoed out of the room. It felt that she was intruding on Emily's private moment; a moment that she no longer had the right to be a part of. It would have made a cute girlfriend moment, but, as friends, it felt a bit creepy. She took a quick trip to the bathroom, letting the flush of the toilet alert Emily to the fact that she was awake.

When Paige returned to the kitchen, Emily turned to greet her with the warmest smile. "Good morning," she said cheerily. All those years after the hoedown, and Emily still had the ability to make Paige feel defenseless. Emily pouted slightly as she added, "I was going to surprise you!"

"Oh, I was surprised!" Paige assured her.

"No, but I wanted to make you breakfast in bed."

Paige chuckled slightly. "Well, in my experience, that doesn't work as well in practice as It does in theory."

Emily rolled her eyes. "I've gotten better at it," she said wryly.

Paige sidled up behind her and inhaled deeply through her nostrils. "Mmmm!"

Emily looked over her shoulder, smiling at Paige with the shy pride of someone who knew she had won the approval of someone she cared about. Paige clapped her hands , then rubbed them together. "What can I do?" she asked eagerly.

Emily pointed at a chair with the spatula she was holding. "Just have a seat," she said. "I've got this."

Paige opened her mouth to protest, but when Emily glared at her, she raised her hands, shaking them in surrender before she backed into a seat, grinning all the while. She wasn't used to being taken care of. It took her back to the time when Emily brought her lunch at school, when she was still terrified of going out after all that Rosewood drama. Those were different circumstances, though. She was fearful for her safety. She was fearful for Emily's safety. Those were the beginnings of her friendship with Caleb. _Caleb._ She lingered over the memory. She missed him; missed the friendship they had. It was a shame that they had grown apart, but, Paige supposed, it was kind of inevitable. Caleb was with Hanna, and Hanna was with Emily.

"Paige?"

Paige shook her head and came back to the present. "Huh?"

Emily laughed at Paige's absent-mindedness. "I asked whether you still don't do caffeine in the morning."

Paige grinned. "I guess I could make an exception," she said. "It feels like a special occasion." She was a little surprised that she'd said that part out loud.

* * *

"Hey, so, do you remember what you said to me at the hoedown? Something about mushy squash?"

Breakfast was over, but Paige and Emily were still sitting at the table; not really talking, but not wanting to get up and clean the kitchen.

Emily looked away. Paige assumed it was because she didn't remember. "You know – you came up to me, and I thought you were drunk…"

Emily interrupted her, stammering, "I… I remember." She couldn't look Paige in the eyes. "It was something that… a _friend_ said to me." There was no need to name the friend. The fact that Emily couldn't look at her – and the way that she'd said the word – made it clear whom she was talking about. "Something about being indecisive at a buffet, till the only thing left is mushy squash."

Paige was shocked, but she didn't allow her expression to change. It wasn't a shock to hear that she was Emily's back-up plan; the safety net, when nothing else was available. She was just shocked that Emily was actually admitting it to her. She chuckled, as if she were amused rather than frustrated by the admission. She almost jerked away in surprise when she felt Emily's hand gripping hers. She looked down at their hands, and then up at Emily. It was different than the way they were holding hands the night before. Emily was gripping her hand with a desperation – which was confirmed by the look in her eyes. It was the desperation of someone who needed to be heard; who needed to be believed. Paige was very much acquainted with that kind of desperation.

"Paige," Emily pleaded, "I was… a different person back then." She looked off to the side as she continued. "I had a lot of growing up to do. I needed to learn what was real and what was valuable." Her face turned bitter. "And I was confused. About a lot of things." She took a deep breath. "About Alison." She looked up briefly at Paige, to see how she responded to that name. Paige's face was like flint. "She was… _there,_ when I first started realizing how I felt. About my sexuality. And I confused what I was feeling – the forbidden feelings that I had for women – with the forbidden fruit of Alison. And she played on that. For years. She manipulated me. And I wasn't mature enough to realize what was happening, much less try to break the cycle." Emily tightened her grip again and stared into Paige's eyes. "But, Paige, I _never_ thought of you as second-rate or a consolation prize." Emily's eyes were begging to be believed.

Paige shrugged her shoulder and tightened her lips. There really wasn't anything that she could say to that.

Emily let go of Paige's hands and looked down at her own fingers, grabbing them and releasing them nervously. "You know, she asked me to marry her."

Paige's back went straight. She definitely had _not_ known that. "Really?"

Emily nodded. "I don't even know whether she was serious or not," she said flatly. "I… I think she sensed that I was slipping away from her, and she was trying to pull me back in." Emily shrugged, still playing with her fingers. "I'm sure she would've come up with some pretense to break it off before it got too serious."

"You said no?"

Emily looked at Paige, obviously hurt and disappointed. "Of course, I said no."

Paige stood up, clearing her plate and Emily's. "Well," she said wearily, "we don't have to talk about it."

"Yeah," Emily agreed, tightening her lips. She didn't know why she had brought up the proposal in the first place. Still, she was kind of glad that Paige knew.

* * *

It was a long afternoon for Paige. As much as she didn't want to think about Emily's confession, she was finding it hard not to. She had learned to repress a lot of thoughts and feelings back in high school – only later learning that it wasn't a healthy strategy. She knew that she should allow herself to process things, but it was rough. Part of her resented Emily for bringing back those painful memories. It had taken her so long to get past them, and it only took a couple of sentences to bring them all flooding back.

One thing was clear. Emily _had_ changed. She wasn't the same person she had been in high school. High school Emily would never have been that honest with her – not when Emily wanted to be with her, at least. It was only when Emily was breaking up with her – or had broken up with her– that she could be so honest. So brutally honest.

_I want to be with you, only you, away from this town._

Those times were great while they lasted. But they never lasted.

_We go to the same school. We used to be teammates. Maybe we'll be friends._

It had taken Paige years to get over that kind of rejection.

It was true that Emily had moved forward since high school, and, maybe they were meeting for the first time, that would've made a difference. But there was too much history between them. Paige was ready to move on, but starting things up with Emily felt too much like moving backwards.

Emily called that night, just to check in. Paige was grateful that she didn't bring up their breakfast conversation at all. She was a good friend. Despite all of their history, Paige wasn't willing to throw their friendship away.

* * *

"So, what is this thing again?"

"Slamtastic Voyage," Paige said, as though it were a perfectly ordinary term. "It started with Aeryn and me just being bored and deciding to get a few friends together, and then it just kind of ballooned into a big, open-house, free for all."

"And there's no longer any poetry involved?"

Paige laughed. "It was never really about the poetry," she confessed. "More about the booze."

"And… Terry's okay with this?" Emily asked tentatively.

"Oh, sure! I mean, he enjoys his flaming shots as much as the next man!"

"No, I was talking about you and your ex… his _current_… still throwing this whole big – _thing_ together."

Paige shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, I guess," she said, her voice kind of screechy. "Don't forget, he and I were friends even before he and Aeryn got together."

Emily pursed her lips. It seemed a little fishy to her, but that was their business. She was just along for the party.

* * *

Paige was getting annoyed. She kept catching Aeryn sneaking looks at Emily across the room, with a flirty smile. Each time Aeryn did it, she shot a quick glance at Paige and, seeing that Paige was watching her, looked away guiltily. Paige looked at Emily, grateful that she didn't seem to notice what Aeryn was doing. She couldn't understand why Aeryn was behaving like that. It didn't seem like her. And it wasn't fair to Paige's best friends – to Terry or to Emily. Paige wasn't going to make scene, but she and Aeryn were definitely going to have to talk later.

Emily didn't pick up on the way that Aeryn kept looking over at her, but she did pick on something that Aeryn and Terry were doing. They kept mumbling to themselves, all secrecy and snarky smiles. She knew that they were talking about her. It made her uncomfortable. She didn't know why they would be making fun of her like that behind her back. She thought that they would be civil to her out of respect for Paige, if for no other reason. She really felt like asking Paige to take her home, but she didn't want to ruin Paige's big event, so she put on a brave face and tried her best to ignore them.

* * *

"Who was that?"

"Huh?" Paige hurriedly put her phone in her jacket pocket and concentrated on the road again, as she drove Emily home from the party. "Oh, nothing."

Emily could tell by the face that Paige made when she checked her phone that it wasn't nothing.

Paige had expected the three-word text from Aeryn: "We should talk."

Her defenses were up the next day, sitting astride her chair in the coffee shop as she waited for Aeryn to show up. She was trying to keep her cool and give Aeryn a safe place to explain herself.

"Hey," Aeryn said pleasantly.

"Hey." Paige was all business.

"I'm just going to…"

Paige pointed to the cup of coffee and the bagel on the table. She'd known Aeryn long enough to know what to order for her. "I got you one," she said impatiently.

"O…kay," Aeryn said as she slid cautiously into her seat. "I suppose you know what this is about, then. Or whom."

"Yeah, I know." Paige shifted in her seat, scowling, but trying not to look menacing.

"So, Terry and I were talking," Aeryn began, taking a sip of coffee. Paige was shocked at how cool she was about everything. "And we know someone who's just perfect for Emily."

"What?" Paige practically shouted, as much in shock that Aeryn and Terry weren't breaking up over Emily as she was that they were trying to fix Emily up.

"Oh," Aeryn teased. "That got your attention."

Paige shook her head as if shaking off Aeryn's comment. "What do you mean you found someone for Emily?" she snapped bitterly.

Aeryn scoffed, matching the anger in Paige's tone when she replied. "Is that a problem for you?"

"Yes!" Paige spread her arms out wide and shook them once, forgetting that they were in a very public place. "I just… you…" She grunted in frustration. "You don't know Emily the way I do. She's not ready to date anybody."

Aeryn shook her head, annoyed. "She's a big girl, Paige. I think she's big enough to make that decision for herself."

"I know she's a big girl," Paige said in a mocking tone, stalling as she tried to come up with a reason that this was a bad idea. "She's… she's just too polite to say… and, if you put her on the spot…"

"Look, Paige. The girl moved all the way out here to be with you…"

Paige jabbed her finger at Aeryn's face. "She did not move out her for me," she asserted, using the one argument that she always had at the ready.

"And you're not going to go for it," Aeryn continued, ignoring Paige's denial. "So what gives you the right to tell her whom she can and can't date?"

"Nothing! I don't own her. And I didn't say she couldn't date. I'm just saying – it's a bad idea. She's not ready. I don't want to see her get hurt." Aeryn was looking at Paige with a knowing smile. "Oh my God!" Paige half-shouted.

"What?"

"You already fixed them up, didn't you?"

"Well, what if I did?"

"Aeryn!" Paige was frustrated, almost to the point of tears. "This is… God – this is _such_ a… horrible idea!"

Aeryn huffed, reaching for Paige's arms to try to calm her. "Relax," she said wryly, finally admitting, "I didn't fix them up. But it's kind of interesting how upset you are at the thought that I did."

Paige jerked her arm away. "I'm not upset," she said, as nonchalantly as she could muster, turning sideways in her chair. "Do what you want. We're all adults."

"Fine," Aeryn said, reaching for her bagel.

"Fine," Paige echoed, adding, a lot more softly, "I'm just saying it's a horrible idea."

* * *

Paige was sipping a Coke through a straw and carrying a bag full of McDonald's when she got back to the lobby of her apartment building. Emily was there in front of the elevators, walking in a circle. She looked in the direction of the automatic doors with a faint smile when she heard them close as Paige entered the lobby.

"Hello, Paige," she said softly, almost shyly.

"Hi." Paige forced a smile. She wasn't sure why Emily was there, but she had a pretty good idea where Emily had been. They hadn't talked all week, since Paige's conversation with Aeryn. Paige knew why Emily was avoiding her. She looked up and down Emily's date outfit, declaring, "It looks as if you had a better night than I did." She lifted her chin in Emily's direction and raised her McDonald's bag, in contrast.

"I… I guess Aeryn told you," Emily said, looking away.

"So, how'd it go?"

"I… I didn't go." Emily was surprised that Aeryn had told Paige about the set-up, but not about the fact that she declined. She chuckled nervously, trying to keep a brave face. She had used up almost all of her courage just showing up there.

Paige's eyes went wide and her head snapped back in shock. "You didn't?"

"No… I…" Emily dropped her shoulders and sighed. "Paige, can we go up?" she pleaded, leaning towards the elevator.

"Oh, yeah… sure." Paige fumbled for the button.

Paige only lived on the fifth floor, but it was the longest elevator ride in history. Paige, at least, could pretend to be taking sips of her soda. Emily just folded her hands and tried to find something to stare at.

When they finally made it into Paige's apartment, Paige dumped her bag and drink in the kitchen, having suddenly lost her appetite. "So, what happened?" she asked, as Emily took a seat. Paige had, apparently, lost her sense of decorum, too.

Emily tucked one leg under as she fidgeted with her fingers. "Well, Aeryn and Terry told me about this girl they knew." Emily's eyes were wandering all over. "But… ha" – something between a laugh and a sigh escaped from her lips. She slapped her hands nervously against her lap, shaking her head. "I told them that I just wasn't ready to date anybody yet." As she said that, she finally looked over at Paige.

It was all that Paige could do to avoid fist-pumping. She _knew_ that she was right: Emily wasn't ready to date.

"Paige," Emily said soberly, "I moved out to California to be with you." Paige opened her mouth on reflex, about to spit out her standard reply that Emily didn't move out there to be with her, but Emily, assuming that Paige was going to remind her one more time that they were just friends, cut her off. "And I get that we're just friends. And, believe me, that in itself was worth the move." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Even though I thought we'd be together, I don't regret moving out here." Emily nodded her head. "I'm glad that we can be friends," she said sincerely. "But I'm not ready to date anybody just yet."

Emily, feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders, stood up. Paige assumed that Emily, having said what she wanted to say, was getting up to leave, so she started to get up to see Emily to her car. Before she could, Emily was in her lap, facing her. Kissing her.

* * *

"You kissed her?" Aria's eyes were wide.

"Uh huh," Emily said, smiling coyly. "I figured, what did I have to lose, you know? And even if she got mad and pushed me off, I think I owe her at least one kiss out of the blue, after all the times she did it to me."

"And then what happened?" Spencer asked impatiently.

"She woke up in Paige's bed!" Hanna, who'd gotten the details from Emily before the Zoom call with Spencer and Aria, couldn't wait to spill the beans.

"You what?"

Emily giggled, enjoying the memory as much as her friends' reaction.

"Yep, big old Paige McCullers hoisted her up and carried her off to bed!"

Emily rolled her eyes. "Something like that," she said, hastily adding, "She wasn't with me. She slept on the couch."

"Why would she sleep on the couch?" Spencer asked, her face scrunched up in disbelief. "Didn't you guys share a bed the last time?"

"I don't know… I guess, it was one thing, sharing a bed as friends, but after we made out, maybe she thought it was too soon?"

"Wait, WHAT? You guys made out?"

Hanna hadn't heard that little detail. Emily hadn't planned to share it. It seemed more romantic her way – a single kiss; she fell asleep; she woke in Paige's bed.

She hadn't lied. She just hadn't told the whole truth. She woke up a little after midnight and instinctively reached behind her, surprised that Paige wasn't spooning her as she usually did. After patting the mattress a couple of times, she twisted up from her pillow and looked behind her, to find that she was alone. She tiptoed to the living room, where Paige was asleep on the couch, cuddling a cushion. She still had her clothes on, and Emily surmised that it was to keep her from feeling self-conscious about sleeping in her clothes.

Emily stared at Paige with a grin, her arms crossed in front of her for a second or two. The couch was big enough, she reasoned, for her to snuggle in next to Paige without waking her up. She lay next to her, trying her best not to fall asleep. She didn't want to risk embarrassing Paige or herself, if Paige woke up first. But it was hard staying awake. The low rumble of Paige's breath and the steady rhythm of her chest rising and falling against Emily's back were hypnotic. When Paige shuddered out of the blue, Emily grew wide awake and made a quick, quiet retreat back to Paige's bed. That part of the story, though, Emily managed to keep to herself.

* * *

Paige was in a daze for the rest of the morning, after Emily left. She wasn't sure why she had allowed Emily to keep on kissing her, or why she had kissed back. But she didn't regret it. She'd wasted too much of her life feeling shame or regret for doing the things that she wanted.

And she _did_ want to kiss Emily. She wanted Emily in general. She wasn't sure whether that had been Aeryn's plan all along; that she had been playing an elaborate game of chess, knowing that Emily wouldn't take her up on the blind date and that Paige wouldn't want her to.

_Whatever._ Paige wasn't going to waste any more brain cells processing that enigma. She much preferred using her thoughts to replay that feeling from the night before, Emily in her lap, Emily's lips against her lips, Emily's breath in her mouth, and, finally, Emily in her arms, as she carried her off to bed, took off her shoes, and covered her under a blanket.

In her dreams, it got even better. In her dreams, Emily came to her in the night and cuddled up with her on the couch. It was the kind of dream that was hard to wake up from and find that it was only a trick of her subconscious mind. But there was no hurry. Dreams like that have a strange way of coming true.


	11. Could This Be the First Step?

Emily smiled slightly and only very briefly before letting her face relax back into its normal position. She bounced her straw up and down against the pile of ice in her glass, using that motion to give herself something to look at. Paige matched Emily's slight smile on reflex. She stared at Emily for a while before puffing out some air in futility.

This was it. This was the awkwardness that Emily had promised Paige wouldn't happen. But these were different circumstances. Emily's promise had been about the awkwardness between two friends after one confessed her love for the other. This awkwardness was the kind that two former lovers felt after making out on a night full of emotion.

The needed to talk about it. They both knew that, but neither of them wanted to. For her part, Emily wanted to _have_ talked about it. She wanted to be able to fast forward past that difficult conversation, the way she would have fast forwarded past a cringeworthy scene in a romantic movie. She knew that they needed to talk about it. She just wished that she could skip ahead to a point where she and Paige had worked through all the difficult issues and everything was good between them again.

Paige wasn't keen to talk about what had happened either, but for slightly different reasons. Paige just wanted to enjoy the memory of that night, without having to analyze it. For her, it was kind of like having to read _Sense and Sensibility_ for a college class. It was one of Paige's favorite books, and she just loved to revel in the story and lose herself in it. It was great gush over the story with her friends and talk about how it made them feel – but to have to dissect every word and try to get into Jane Austen's head and the historical context would kind of ruin the story for her.

That night with was Emily too beautiful to put under the microscope. Paige didn't want anything to take away from the memory of that night - from the way it started, seeing Emily pacing around the elevators - to how it climaxed, with Emily's bold move. The kiss had been so unexpected. Emily had always been the one who encouraged Paige to be bold, from that first night in the window seat, when she confessed that she looked for guys like Paige, to that shy smile that she gave Paige in front of her locker, convincing her that the time for talking was past.

That night was different. Paige recalled every detail: Emily's weight against her thighs, Emily's fingers in her hair, the taste of Emily's lips and tongue as they kissed and kept on kissing. And, finally, there was the feeling of waking up with Emily's head on her shoulder with her hand balled into a soft fist and resting against the skin just above the neckline of Paige's top. Emily looked content. More than that, she looked safe, as if she knew that nothing could hurt her. Paige realized that _she_ was safe, too. Emily hadn't asked permission for the kiss, and yet Paige knew that she would have stopped, if Paige had given her the signal. Smiling, Paige brushed the hair away from Emily's face and gathered her up in her arms.

They weren't high school kids anymore. That was obvious from the bit of extra weight that they were both carrying in unexpected places. But more than that, they had matured since high school. They weren't at the mercy of lust and hormones the way they had been back then. It was no longer inevitable that a passionate make-out session ended up with the two of them in bed. Still, they were only human - and former lovers. There was no telling how the night would have ended if Paige let herself share the bed with Emily that night. Paige wasn't willing to take that chance. She would never betray Emily's trust like that. She laid Emily on the bed and removed her shoes before covering her with a blanket and giving her one final kiss, this one to the forehead. Emily's lips curled into a smile, but she was obviously still asleep. "Team Paily," she said softly. Paige smiled back as she repeated the phrase.

Paige hadn't thought of those two words in years. It had been their code when they were back in Rosewood. On the surface, it was just one of those things that jocks say to each other, to foster camaraderie. But there was a deeper level there, just between the two of them. In the pool, "Team Paily," meant that they always had each other's backs. Outside the pool, it was their special way of saying that they loved each other. It had something to do with "te amo" at the beginning or the "ILY" at the end. They never defined it fully. The meaning was much more important than the definition.

Hearing those words brought back a flood of memories. And it confirmed Paige's decision to sleep on the couch. "I've got your back," she whispered as she walked away.

It was a beautiful moment; a moment meant to be stored away and cherished. Paige knew that it wasn't that simple, though. It couldn't just be something that happened between the two of them. They weren't at that point yet. Wherever their relationship was going, it would have to pass through that night first.

"This is…" Paige stopped abruptly, stuck for words. She caught Emily's eyes just as Emily looked up expectantly, and they both laughed at that. "I was trying to come up with something to say other than 'awkward,'" Paige admitted, her voice slightly softer than it had been for the previous sentence.

"Sorry." Emily reached for Paige's hand as she said it, but she chickened out and let her drop a couple of inches away.

Paige folded her hands in front of her and leaned forward in her seat. She had an intense look, telegraphing the fact that she had something important to say. She spoke slowly and deliberately, in a very serious tone. Emily leaned in to pay sharp attention, half worried over what she'd hear. "Did I ever tell you that… When I was trying to convince people that I was straight… I would look for guys like you?"

Emily's jaw dropped and she slapped at Paige's cheek. Paige couldn't hold back her laughter, and Emily echoed it. It was a needed release for both of them.

"I kind of miss that window seat," Emily said, a moment after the laughter faded. She looking off to the side wisftully. "It was easier to talk about things when we were sitting in the window seat."

"Things were easier in general back then," Paige said with a shrug.

"Do you think so?"

Paige curled her forehead pensively before concluding, "No, I guess not." She chuckled. "I guess, in retrospect, we tend to romanticize how simple things used to be."

Emily cleared her throat. Paige's hands were clasped in the center of the table, and Emily surrounded them with her own. "Paige… I…" Emily took a look into Paige's eyes. Paige was hanging on her every word. Emily looked down at the table before she continued with her confession. "I never stopped loving you. Not for a moment. I know you might find that hard to believe, but…" She looked up at Paige, hoping for some sort of signal that she actually did believe her.

Paige looked away with a soft smile. "I guess I never stopped loving you either," she said, as if embarrassed to admit it.

"Really?" Emily was trying not to look as excited as she was at hearing that. Deep down, she'd assumed that Paige had never stopped loving her, but she was surprised that Paige was actually admitting it.

Paige nodded. "Team Paily."

Emily clapped her hand over her mouth in shock. She quickly recovered and said the words back. "Team Paily!"

It would have been terrible not to have said it back. Even when they were fighting, they always said it back. Not saying it back sent the message that one of them had checked out of the relationship.

Shaking her head with a broad smile, Emily mused, "God - 'Team Paily.' I haven't thought about that in years!"

Paige chuckled. Her suspicions were true: Emily _had_ been asleep when she had said it the other night. The fact that she had been sleeping somehow made it seem more genuine. She decided not to tell Emily that she had said it on that night. it would be a cute story to share with her sometime in the future, when that night was a distant memory that they looked back on as the beginning of their reborn relationship. They still had some work to do to get to that point - a fact that Paige knew was unavoidable. "Hey, Emily," she said, turning serious. "I don't doubt the feelings that we have for each other, and I don't doubt we're headed or..." she sighed, closing her eyes. "... anything." Emily nodded, a bit wary of what Paige was going to say. "I… I just think that… that we need to take things slowly." She lowered her head, to Emily's level. "For now."

Paige looked awkwardly into Emily's eyes, to see what her reaction was. Turning her eyes away, with a slight swing of her head, she concluded, "I need to, at least."

Emily tightened her lips. She wasn't sure how much more slowly she could go. She felt that she'd been in slow motion ever since she moved out to California. But she wasn't going to make the same mistake that she'd made in high school and bail because Paige wasn't ready. "Okay," she said, her face heavy with the seriousness of the moment.

Paige tilted her head and cocked an eyebrow. "Okay?" she asked, seeking confirmation that Emily really was okay with it.

"Okay," Emily confirmed. She took Paige's hand with her left hand and stroked the top of it with her right. "Paige, I want to be with you. I don't care if that means waiting a week, or a year, or the rest of my life."

Paige dipped her head. She couldn't hide her smile. The rest of their lives sounded pretty good.

* * *

**A/N - I hope you're all doing okay with this pandemic. :0**

**So sorry I haven't been writing. Big thanks to fellow author Subway20 for the constant encouragement and to reviewer EP for reminding me of my responsibility to finish what I've started! :)**

**And thank you all for patiently(?) sticking with this story! Much love. Stay safe!**


	12. Could This Be Genuine?

Emily rolled her eyes at the middle-aged man sitting at the table a few feet away from theirs, behind Paige's seat. Part of her wished that she had that kind of confidence; the kind of confidence that assumes that, with just a persistent look and a wry smile, he could win her over. Never mind the cheesy comb over and the 1990s-era suit. Never mind the fact that she was enjoying dinner with her girlfriend. Even if he didn't know that she and Paige were together, what would make him assume that she was looking for a fling with someone who was probably closer to her mother's age than to hers?

She leaned across the table and, taking both of Paige's hands, gave her a kiss. It wasn't over-the-top; just enough to send a message. She shot a quick glance to the guy at the other table, who had suddenly become more interested in his phone. When she looked back at Paige, she wasn't surprised to find that Paige was confused.

"What?" She smiled coyly. It wasn't really like her just to kiss Paige like that, out of the blue, in public. They regularly held hands, as girlfriends do, but they usually saved kisses for more private settings. Emily briefly thought that she should explain why she'd kissed her, but she decided against it. She would just let the kiss stand on its own.

Paige shook her head at Emily's question and looked down at her plate. "Nothing," she said softly. "I just… I… uh…"

_I'm just looking at you. Sometimes, I'm so amazed that you're with me._

That memory seemed so far away from where she and Paige were. It felt like an eternity since Paige had looked at her that way. So much had changed. The world had changed. The world had been, somehow, a more accepting place, back then. After the initial shock of Emily's coming out, the world barely paid her any notice. Even in her small, suburban town, she could walk down the street arm in arm with another woman and even kiss, and no one blinked an eye. Nowadays, it seemed, the world was a meaner place, and far more judgmental. Everyone had an opinion, and people didn't hesitate to let you know how they felt. It could be an angry look, or words muttered under the breath, or even death threats. But that was all stuff that she could deal with. Especially knowing that she didn't have to deal with it alone.

The change that really worried her was in Paige. Paige was more confident and self-assured. And those were good things. Of course, they were. But Emily couldn't help wondering whether Paige still saw her the way that she used to, with that same wide-eyed wonder at the fact that the two of them could be together. Not that Emily wanted to feel above Paige, up on a pedestal, but she wanted, somehow, to be seen as a prize; as something that Paige valued. That was how she saw Paige. She feared, though, that their roles from high school had been reversed; that this confident woman whom Paige had grown into was strong enough to turn her back on her and walk away. And so, she became the one who was left having to plant surprise kisses, just to stay connected.

Paige, still holding Emily's hand, turned it over, so that the palm was facing up and skated her index finger across the lines there. Emily's hands had grown softer; a bit fuller. Time does that to a person. Time had done it to Paige herself, she realized. And she realized that she liked this version of Emily – the one who didn't always have to be so put together all the time. Paige had noticed a few strands of gray hair sprinkled in among the forest of black atop Emily's head. Younger Emily would have been shocked that her older self would let herself be seen in public like that, but, to Paige, it made Emily more genuine; more _trustworthy._ Less Rosewood, Paige thought. None of the "Wine Moms" back in Rosewood would have deigned to allow a single strand of gray or the slightest beginnings of a wrinkle to be seen on their perfectly tended faces. Paige had all but forgotten that way of thinking, that business trip back to Philadelphia, when she stopped by Rosewood to see Emily. But that way of thinking had been one of the reasons that she had chosen to stay in California after college. The women in California have a reputation for vanity, but the women in Rosewood made them look almost Puritanical, by comparison.

"Emily?"

Emily bit her lip, a little worried about whatever was coming next. Paige took a deep breath, which only heightened Emily's sense of foreboding. "What made you move out to California?"

Emily took her hand away from Paige's, cupping both hands around her mug while she looked down at the few drops of coffee left inside it. "Paige…"

Paige held up her hand. "I know," she said softly, "that you came out here for me, but… after all that time? And after everything that…" Paige shrugged, letting the thought trail off.

Emily looked into Paige's eyes. "I guess," she said, turning her eyes up to the ceiling as she tried to form the words, "I guess I came out here because… because I never gave up on the two of us." She looked across the table at the puzzled look that Paige was giving her. "I mean, I'm not talking about before. I know that I… didn't always…"

Emily didn't want to bring up memories of the way she broke it off with Paige, because she felt that she couldn't trust her. "I mean," she said, resetting, "after that night in the airport. When you said that it was the best 'for now.'" Emily shrugged. "I believed you. I really believed that it wasn't for forever."

Paige sat back against her seat under the weight of what Emily told her. To Emily, it felt as if Paige were pulling away. "Is that so hard to understand?" she asked defensively.

"Um, no… I… Don't get me wrong, Em. It's just that you…" Paige's eyes widened, "_We_…" She sighed heavily. "I mean, let's face it, we both…" Paige struggled to come up with a way to say it diplomatically.

"I know," Emily interrupted. "I dated some other girls..."

"And that's fine!" Paige threw her hands up. "I'm not saying that you should have lived like a nun."

_She was a substitute, when I never thought I could get the real thing._

In Paige's eyes, it was simple. She and Shana only happened because she had given up on the dream that she and Emily would ever be.

"But that didn't mean I ever gave up on us." Emily took a deep breath. "You know that cliché about people who want to be an actor, but they don't make it, so they take a regular job, just to pay the bills, but they still have that dream of acting, right? And then, one day, they say, 'Fuck it! I've got to be true to my dream!' – and they sell everything and move out to LA?" Paige nodded in acknowledgment. Emily shrugged her shoulder without finishing the example. She'd made her point.

"Wow," Paige said softly.

Emily leaned across the table and reached for Paige's hands. "Paige," she said, not looking at her, "when you came out to Philly, wasn't there even a small part of you that thought you and I might…" Before Emily could get out the words, Paige dipped her head. It was all the answer Emily needed. She backed away. Before she could pull her hands away, Paige tightened her grip.

"Em, when Aerynn and I broke up, I was… I got to a place where I was…" Paige smiled slightly, slightly puffing out some air. "I was happily single." She looked into Emily's eyes, although Emily was looking off to the side. "I know that people say that all the time, that they're through with relationships, and they're happy to stay single, but I really got to enjoy living on my own." Emily was feeling smaller with every word. "I wasn't looking for a relationship. I didn't _need_ anyone in my life to complete me. And, if it had been Aerynn or Shana or…" Paige looked up at the ceiling, thinking of a third example. "… Emma Stone…" – she looked at Emily with a wry smile at the reference to that night when they watched "La La Land" together – "… it wouldn't have mattered." Paige's voice softened, and her grip on Emily's hands tightened. "But it was _you._ That night, when you kissed me, if it had been anyone else… Well, I would have enjoyed it," she admitted, as her voice switched to an urgent whisper, "_but I wouldn't have let myself fall_." She put her hand on Emily's cheek, still whispering as she concluded, "It was you."

Emily smiled, biting her lip. She tilted her head to the side. "_Emma Stone?" _Paige shrugged, refusing to back away from the statement. Emily leaned across the table, and Paige met her in the middle for a kiss. She was expecting a quick "we're in public" kiss, but Emily put a hand behind her neck and kept her there. She didn't care that they were in a crowded restaurant and that people were, no doubt, staring. She needed that kiss. She needed Paige's lips to say what she had just said, but, this time, without words.

* * *

Paige was still a little breathless as she walked Emily up to her apartment. The kiss in front of Emily's door was much shorter, and less intense. There was nothing more to prove. And, had they kissed like that again, they might not have been able to stop.

Paige ran her fingers through her hair as she sat in her car before she started it up and started on the long drive home. She hated driving alone. That was something that she had never gotten used to. It was always better to have someone next to her. Even if there was no conversation, it helped to have someone there. Those rides with the weight of Emily's sleepy head on her shoulder were worth thousands of words.

Paige shook her head, thinking about how much things had changed. There was a time when taking Emily home meant taking her back to _their_ home, to _their _bed, to _their _lives together. It was hard, starting over again from square one. They hadn't discussed it, but they both seemed to know that rushing things had never worked for them. They needed more nights like the one they'd just had; more opportunities to discover their fears, share them, and work through them; more kisses that felt like the first time; more good-byes at the door that made them hunger for the time when "good night" no longer meant "good-bye."

Paige she tried to keep her own focus on the road as her mind kept flashing back to Emily's eyes. They looked scared; vulnerable. It was the same look that Emily had on her face after she gave Paige the "mushy squash" speech; the look that made it seem that she was terrified that Paige was about to break her heart into a thousand pieces. And that's almost what actually did happen. Emily had lied to her that night, showing up with her friends after saying that she wouldn't be there. Paige had had enough. She decided that she wasn't going to let Emily ruin her night. She had been having a good time with her friends, until Emily walked up. Paige didn't know what to expect, but she steeled herself for getting yelled at and blamed for everything again. She didn't expect Emily to ask her to dance. And she didn't expect that look. Paige was always a sucker for that look.

For years, Paige had argued with herself about mushy squash, trying to convince herself that Emily didn't mean it the way it sounded: "It's either you or nothing." But that's the way it always had been with Emily. She was okay hanging out with Paige, right up until the time someone better came along.

Paige slammed her palm into the steering wheel. She didn't want to go back to those old games, those old insecurities. She had come to believe that Emily had changed; that Emily's opinion of her had changed. She wasn't going to let her fears take her back to that dark place of their childhood. She let out a groan of frustration. This was the longest drive home in the history of the automobile.

It had always been about protecting Emily. That was why she left Rosewood. That was why she was so cold to Emily when Emily started at Pepperdine, to keep Emily from falling. That was why she met with Emily before she made a decision on the opportunity to come back to Philadelphia. She didn't want to put Emily through all of that emotional trauma again, when things always ended the same between the two of them.

Protecting Emily. Paige had been telling herself that for so long that she almost believed it.

But it no longer mattered. None of that mattered. If she was going to be with Emily, she was going to have to be all-in. That meant letting go of whatever past hurt Emily had inflicted. The only way to move ahead was to move on.

* * *

Emily had been restless ever since Paige left. She never made it to bed. Instead, she just sat on the couch with a cup of coffee and the TV remote, starting movie after movie, only to abandon them a couple of minutes in. She wasn't in the mood for a romance or a comedy or a drama. She just had too much on her mind.

She hated being there by herself. She wished that she had been the one who drove that night. That way, at least she would have had the long ride home to clear her thoughts. That wasn't really true, though. It wasn't the long ride; it was riding with Paige. Even if she fell asleep in the passenger seat, it was knowing that Paige was there next to her, wordlessly putting her hand on her thigh just to let her know that she was thinking about her.

She couldn't shake feeling that she was on shaky ground with Paige. Paige always looked at her so strangely, as if she were trying to figure out whether she was being genuine or just behaving like a lovestruck teenager. She was too old to be feeling like that. _They_ were too old. They had already wasted too much time, and they weren't getting any younger.

Emily knew that she had changed; that she wasn't the girl Paige had grown up with. Part of her hated Rosewood Emily. And part of her was jealous of Rosewood Emily, because of how much Paige loved her. Part of her just pitied Rosewood Emily, for not realizing what she had in Paige.

These mental games were driving Emily crazy. It was hard trying to figure out what Paige was thinking. And it was hard trying to figure out how much of what she was seeing in Paige was real and how much was her fears getting the best of her. She needed to know, one way or another. She needed some kind of sign. She picked up the phone.

"Em?"

"Hey, Paige. Are you home?"

"No, I…"

"Oh, sorry. I thought you'd be home by now. I don't want to distract you while you're driving."

"No – wait!" Paige cut in before Emily could end the call. "I'm not home. I stopped off for coffee."

"Oh, okay."

"Is everything okay?"

Emily sighed, shifting her position on the couch. "No, not really. I guess. I just…" Emily bit her lip. "I guess, I just don't want to be alone."

"Oh." Paige took a breath. "I could head back there." There was no hesitation in her voice.

"No, Paige, I…"

"It's not a problem, Em. I'm not that far," she lied.

"Paige," Emily said shakily. This was it: Time to put it on the line. "I don't want to be alone. I … I want you to move in with me."

* * *

**A/N - Ugh! I hate cliffhangers, too. Especially since I don't know what's happening next. :/**

**Sorry this story is taking forever! Thanks so much for sticking with it! Stay safe! 3**


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